


sweet as sugar, cold as ice

by btscurtis



Series: We're Always Sack [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anorexic Jack Kline, Castiel and Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester are Jack Kline's Parents, Confused Jack Kline, Crying Jack Kline, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Gay Jack Kline, Heavy Angst, Hurt Jack Kline, Hurt/Comfort, Jack Kline Has An Eating Disorder, Jack Kline Needs A Hug, Knitting, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, Sad, Sad Jack Kline, Sad with a Happy Ending, Team Free Will 2.0, Teen Angst, Teenagers, Therapy, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-04 06:09:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17892989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btscurtis/pseuds/btscurtis
Summary: Things were just looking up for Jack Kline. He has his powers, Michael has long since been expelled from Dean, and the world isn't ending any time soon.He joined a club, knitting of all things. He even made a best friend, Taylor. And he's becoming acquainted with Simon, someone who makes his heart beat fast and knees go weak.But when the person who claims to be his closest friend makes cruel comments and encourages him to join in her unstable, dangerous habits, can Jack avoid becoming entranced with a deceivingly glamorous ideal?This is how Anorexia rocked his world, left him to pick up the pieces, and wonder if recovery is really possible.





	1. Chapter 1

Jack tightened up the end of the right sleeve, letting out a relieved breath he didn’t know he was holding. He _may_ have procrastinated on this project just a little bit. They did small knitting projects together at the club, and big once a month ones that they took home.

 

It isn’t like knitting is a chore- it’s been his favorite pastime as of these last six months, courtesy of Claire. No, she’s not a knitter, but she knew it’d be right up his alley. Ever since things had calmed down in the hunting world, he’d been lost on how to do this whole Normal thing.

 

Netflix sometimes gets in the way. Sometimes. Which explains why he’s finished right before Dean’s driving him to said club. Jack insists that he can take the bus, and Dean has no reason to go to the trouble, but he doesn’t yet trust Jack not to get killed on a bus, apparently.

 

It was one time where he forgot to look both ways. One time.

 

Jack held up his creation excitedly. “I finished it in time!” he exclaimed, beaming when he saw Sam and Castiel look up from the couch across from this chair.

 

“Damn. I still don’t get how looping some string makes clothes, but it looks great,” Sam smiled.

 

“Indeed. You alternated between the um..purl and knit? To make that pattern? You’ve definitely improved since last month,” Castiel said, encouragingly.

 

Jack loved making his Dads’ proud of him. He’d made his fair share of mistakes, and every smile he caused felt like a reassurance that he could do more good than bad.

 

“Thanks guys. Found any cases yet?” Jack replied.

 

“There’s a potential simple salt n’ burn a couple towns over. I’ll talk to Dean about checking it out later. I don’t think we’ll need any crazy nephilim power, but you can still help if you’d like,” Sam said.

 

“I’d love to. It’s been forever since i’ve been on a hunt,” Jack said.

 

Team Free Will 2.0 had settled into a pretty domestic lifestyle, since the earth wasn’t constantly on the verge of ending lately. But they obviously could never leave behind the only thing they’d ever known, and still went on small, harmless cases.

 

Jack had his preference towards normalcy, but he’d go stir crazy if he didn’t get to go all ghostbusters once in awhile. Saving people, the most important part of the winchester motto, was just so amazing to him. The feeling of making the world a better place was irreplaceable.

 

“Hey kid, the club thing is right about now, right?” Dean said, entering the room and breaking Jack from his brief introspection.

“Yup.  Check it.” Jack laughed, holding up his blue, patterned sweater.

 

“Nice work. You’ll have the knitting ladies all over you. I still can’t believe there’s a knitting club for teens. Aren’t they all obsessed with NightFort or something?” Dean replied.

 

Jack internally cringed at the thought of having ladies all over him. He’s yet to find a girl he likes in the special way people always talk about, and it, occasionally, gives him insecurity.

 

“Fortnite. And no. Our generation isn’t that bad, you know,” Jack said.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You and Claire are proof. Get in the car and get my Led Zeppelin mixtape going, I’ll meet you there,” Dean replied.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

“Nice sweater Jack, who’s it for?” Taylor said, nudging him as they sat on the bench.

 

“Your cardigan is really great too, everyone freaked when you presented it! I don’t really know. It was gonna be for Claire, but I made the size too big. I might just wear it myself,” Jack replied.

 

Taylor snickered. “As if you could fit in it.”

 

“What do you mean? I checked the height and width, it should work,” Jack said.

 

“When was the last time you checked your measurements? No offense, but you’re no Simon Zachary, Jackie. I guess there’s quite a few pounds one can put on in half a year!” She laughed lightly.

 

Jack frowned, feeling a sudden drop in his emotions. He knew he could never be as..attractive, as Simon, the leader of the knitting club. He was all the girls talked about. But Jack never thought to compare himself in that way.

 

“Oh calm down, it’s just a joke. I’m still your knitting bestie! Just saying that I could also be your diet bestie, aha!” Taylor said, ruffling his hair and getting up to chat with the others.

 

Jack would usually join her, but suddenly, he felt outcasted. Was everyone secretly thinking the same thing? He was thinking in a way he’d never thought before, comparing himself to everyone around him and feeling like he didn’t measure up.

 

“Hey, Jack!” Simon said, looking down at Jack on the bench, snapping jack out of his thoughts.

“O-oh, hi Simon,” Jack said, feeling shy in Simon’s presence.

 

“We’re gonna start make some cool bracelets now, c’mon,” Simon replied, putting his hand on Jack’s shoulder and leading him to the tables.

 

Simon was a touchy guy, and whenever he fistbumps him, or pats him on the back, Jack feels incredibly nervous but happy at the same time. It’s a feeling he doesn’t get for others, and Jack likes to call it admiration. Simon is just so _cool_. Everybody likes him. He’s so hilarious and lively, with a charismatic face to match. He’s everything you’d want to be.

 

He’s everything Jack has realized he is not. How does Simon even give him the time of day? Because he’s so nice, obviously. He’d hug the ugliest person in the world, and that’s kind of who Jack feels right now.

 

The rest of the club time, Jack doesn’t talk much. He’s too absorbed in his own thoughts. That’s just one more thing he’s decided he doesn’t like about himself.

 

The car ride to the bunker wasn’t any better.

 

“How was club?” Dean asks, offhandedly as he adjusts the radio.

 

“Fine,” Jack replies. He even feels insecure in front of family right now. He thinks various hateful things towards Taylor, but reminds himself she was just being a friend. He’s lucky that she told him the truth instead of letting him go on oblivious. Jack was not skinny, and that was not okay.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Instead of talking everyone’s ears off, Jack opted for the scale in the bathroom.

 

_168.7_

 

That was a lot. 168 pounds. Most people couldn’t lift that weight. He knew the Winchester’s weight was in the 200’s, but they were over six feet tall. Jack just barely made it to 5’10.

 

When he was “born”, he weighed 150. That’s almost a twenty pound difference. He was pure and untouched by food, lean and with defined muscles. He certainly got more “looks” then, and no one had insinuated he was lacking.

 

Heading to his bedroom, Jack immediately took off his shirt and examined any change from last year to now. As it turns out, there were a lot. His stomach didn’t stick out, but he most certainly didn’t have Simon Zachary’s six pack. Jack had lost his definition. Or, more accurately, his hard working. Jack looked like the physical embodiment of lazy and indulgent.

 

Jack spent the rest of the night searching the internet and came to the conclusion that he wasn’t _technically_ overweight. He also learned that overweight, normal weight, meant _nothing._ Because fat was something entirely different, because overweight was when it impacted your health. Fat was when it impacted your reputation.

 

Jack realized very quickly that there was one simple solution. Get back to 150, and everything would be perfect and aligned. Nobody would make fun of him in their minds, or outwardly, for that matter. And maybe Simon could hang out with him for something other than pity, because Jack could get at least closer to his level.

 

Jack heard his phone buzz and was momentarily distracted from his thoughts.

 

**_claire_ **

_I found a kitten on the street in the rain an i just fuckn took it without thinking what do_

 

**_claire_ **

_howmst do i hide it from jody its in my pocket trying to escape_

 

Jack let out a hearty laugh, his usual smile returned.

 

**_jack_ **

_you have to realize that she’d find out eventually. just get it over with so shes not mad at you for secretly having a kitten for a month_

 

**_claire_ **

_but what if she makes me take it back to the STREETS jack!! itll DIE_

 

Jack shook his head with amusement. Claire was the embodiment of chaotic good.

 

**_jack_ **

_shes jody she’ll just take it to the shelter where it can find a nice home_

 

**_claire_ **

_...but it belongs with me :(_

 

No one ever really sees this side of Claire. She may act tough and uncaring, but she’s really just a fluffball who can stab things.

 

**_jack_ **

_tell her you’ll clean the litterbox and force her to look at its cute face for at least 5 min before deciding_

 

**_claire_ **

_fine but before i tell her, look at this perfect specimen n o w_  
  


Jack clutched his chest and tears welled up in his eyes.

 

**_jack_ **

_i dont care what jody says at this point you’re keeping it and letting me visit it EVERYDAY my heart and soul belong to it now_

**_claire_ **

_if jody reacts the same way i am SET, brb_

Jack smiled. He needed this pleasant distraction and it was like the universe answered to his need. It wasn’t so unusual, considering they texted everyday.

Jack checked to see if he had any other messages, and sighed when he saw Taylor in his contacts. You can’t be mad at her, Jack reminded himself. He should be thanking her.

Jack remembered the last thing she said, “I could also be your diet bestie.” Was she being serious? Maybe he should ask her for some tips. Taylor was always on a diet and never ate any junk food. She had a perfect body, the skinniest girl in club.

Jack clicked on her name and started typing out a message.

**_jack_ **

_hey i thought about what u said earlier and im sorry if i came off rude. you were just being real with me. i decided to go on a diet but I’m not really sure where to start so i thought i’d ask you_

Fifteen minutes later he got his reply, and checked it reluctantly.

**_taylor_ **

_im so glad we’re cool i was worried lol!! glad you’re joining me in the healthy life!_

**_taylor_ **

_it sounds extreme but if you want any results in a reasonable amount of time, just have one meal a day. people saying all you need is some vegetables is BULLSHIT, its all calories. and you have to do it for barely any time. with your height and weight you could lose a pound a day on 500cal._

**_jack_ **

_a pound a day? you’re serious?_

**_taylor_ **

_yup. how much you wanna lose?_

**_jack_ **

_like 20 so i can be 150 again_

**_taylor_ **

_big dreams. you can do it but only if you’re serious about it. 500cal a day and in less than a month you’ll be 150. only a lazy person couldn’t do that lol_

**_jack_ **

_ill do it. thanks for being a friend Taylor._

**_taylor_ **

_im always here for u, u know that :)_

 

Jack smiled softly and excitedly pulled out his journal, flipping to the first empty page he could find and began writing down his plan. He didn’t feel sad anymore. He felt in control.

 

* * *

 

 

Here's what I imagine Taylor and Simon to look like, but you can use your imagination~

   


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With exciting milestones, there's ugly truths beginning to show their face.

“Did Jack come out of his room _at all_ yesterday after his club thing?” Dean inquired, realizing this after he poured himself a bowl of cereal.

 

Sam squinted. “Come to think of it, no. I didn’t see him after four. I assumed he was tired.”

 

“He was all sulky and quiet when I picked him up. Jack typically doesn’t let me get a word in the whole drive here, I just thought it was weird, I dunno..” Dean said, in between bites.

 

“We can’t expect him to be happy go lucky all the time. Even an overexcited puppy like him has his days,” Sam reasoned.

 

“True,”  Dean replied.

 

They both turned their heads as they heard Jack come tumbling down stairs and into the kitchen. “Hey guys! Where's Castiel?” Jack asked, smiling brightly.

 

That completely eased their light concerns. No one that happy could have anything going on. “He’s in the library. That potential case we talked about, by the way- Dead end. Sorry, I know you wanted to help out,” Sam replied.

 

Jack frowned slightly. Hunts usually provided good exercise, and he wanted to have this whole diet thing over as soon as possible. The more extreme, the quicker you reach your goal. And then it’s done. But perhaps he needed to rely on more routine and planned physical activity. He can’t ask for it to be handed to him.

 

“It’s fine. More time for me to figure out how the heck I’m supposed to knit _words._ I thought that was just cross-stitch problems,” Jack sighed. Taylor had filled him in last night, among other conversations, that this was their project. How the heck. At least more time spent knitting meant less time spent eating.

 

“Oh, you’re knitting words? Write ‘Sam is a girl’ on a sweater and I’ll pay you whatever price you ask,” Dean said, while Sam shot daggers with his eyes.

 

“Real mature. I’m so hurt by your sophisticated comment,” Sam replied, words oozing with sarcasm.

 

Jack chuckled, sitting down next to Sam. “I’m making a hat for Claire cause I feel bad that I got the size on the sweater wrong. She wants me to put ‘Badass’ on it.”

 

Before they could reply, Jack’s eyes lit up. “Oh! Did you hear that she got a cat?! She texted me last night right when she picked it up! It’s so small! It was so cute that she could convince Jodi to keep it and she sent me a video of it meowing!” Jack excitedly said, out of breath.

 

“This better not be a transition into you also wanting a cat,” Dean replied, warily.

 

No cats were allowed in the bunker. Jack thinks it’s lame, but accepts it.

 

“No, Claire said I can be it’s official dad cause ‘all other boy’s are fake’,” Jack said.

 

Dean nodded. “True that. That’s why I don’t have a daughter. Boys are nothing but users, troublemakers-”

 

“Everyone in this room is a boy,” Sam interjected.

 

Dean continued, “assholes, douche bags-”

 

“I think I get the picture,” Jack replied.

 

As to not be suspicious, Jack got up and grabbed a banana from the pantry. 100 calories. Jack needed to have 500 or less a day, so that meant he could have five whole bananas. Not bad. He wanted a bit more variance, though. Jack calculated last night that he could have a banana, jam on toast, plus some soup and still be under 500 as long as he just had water.

 

Jack eagerly ripped off pieces of the banana and popped them in his mouth, truly hungry after not eating dinner last night. When he finished, he was still hungry. But that didn’t matter. Jack was not lazy, he was not indulgent. Not anymore. Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower and success. That’s what Taylor told him.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

  


Not eating was Jack’s favorite thing to do. All it takes is just...doing nothing. Only a willpower-less person couldn’t do that, and Jack wasn’t going to bring himself to that level. When his stomach would quickly begin to sting with hunger after a poor excuse of a meal, he imagined the fat burning away into dust and emptiness. When he got sharp, pangs of hunger at night whilst he tried to sleep, he could only think that he was incinerating fat twice as fast.

 

He liked to see just how low he could go under 500. It was like a competition with himself, and sometimes, with Taylor. She’d tell him how much she was going to eat and Jack always wanted to be lower, to prove himself worthy of her help in all this.

 

There were cons, sure. Jack would see confusion when he turned down nougat, suspicion when he would say he’d eaten earlier. He’d never been a good liar, but recently, he had his family believing every lie that passed through his teeth. And that hurt. More than hunger pains was the guilt of being untruthful to the people he cherished.

Jack started to truly realize that this glorified world wasn’t all beauty and grace exactly three weeks after he’d started. 158.2. A ten pound difference, a virtual celebration with Taylor and near ecstasy.

 

The dilemma starts that night, when Castiel offers him the Nougat bar with a smile, after he returns from a grocery run. Jack has refused nougat too many times these past three weeks- and he can’t risk exposing himself now. Taylor made one thing clear - his caretakers would not approve. They didn’t understand. It was a temporary diet and Jack would be done so very soon.

 

Jack sneakily looked at the nutrition information, 150 calories. No big deal. He’s already eaten today, but he’d be under 500. 460, to be exact. That’s fine. He prefers healthy food, it makes him feel mentally strong, superior to his past self. But this is okay. He wonders why he has to reassure himself so much as he takes a bite.

 

To his surprise, he can’t stop himself to breath between bites. He eats it in maybe thirty seconds, realizing how hungry he is, not just in terms of his stomach cramps, but his hunger for comfort food.

 

Jack sighs, feeling uncomfortable with himself. Gross and guilty. He’s under 500. He’s under 500. He can check right now, and know he's under-

 

Two servings.

 

Two servings. One serving = 150 calories.

 

Two servings. 300.

 

How did Jack not see that? All he had to do was read a couple of words. He skimmed through it, lazily, and lazily allowed himself to eat it. Jack actually had no idea how this calorie thing worked - but he knew he screwed up, according to Taylor, the expert at losing weight. She’s lost ten pounds in ten days before.

 

Jack felt his chest tighten and slight nausea bubbled inside him. It didn’t even fill him up. He ate it for thirty seconds of happiness, and he was just as hungry as before. Unnecessary. Lazy. Indulgent.

 

Jack quickly walked up the stairs and down the hall to his room, hands nervously pulling his phone from his pocket, clicking on Taylor’s name in his contacts.

 

**_jack_ **

_i made a mistake and i don’t know what to do_

 

He waits. For ten minutes, his breathing is quick and uneven. He’s never really felt this precise   feeling before, and Jack hates it more than anything.

 

**_taylor_ **

_diet related? what happened jackie?_

 

**_jack_ **

_i misread the nutrition info on a candy bar, i thought it was just one serving but it was two, who has two servings in a candy bar? and i checked and im at 610 for the day i don’t know what to do is this big?_

 

**_taylor_ **

_why were you even eating candy? you know that shit slows your metabolism_

 

**_jack_ **

_i know! but Castiel offered it to me and I didn’t want to be suspicious. did i really mess up?_

 

**_taylor_ **

_ughhh. you can fix it but yeah. Binging totally disrupts your diet, the calories will stick cause it’s so sugary. but the big deal is that now you’re gonna think it’s okay to do it again. you need to stay strong after this. to burn the calories you’ll need a half an hour of jogging. if you really want to make sure you don’t binge again, punish yourself by doing an hour._

 

**_jack_ **

_ill do an hour._

 

**_taylor_ **

_i knew you were the right person to mentor like this. you take it seriously. just don’t make the same mistake and you’re right on track! make sure to listen to that ana song playlist i sent you, for motivation. bye jackie xx_

 

**_jack_ **

_thank you, bye :)_

 

Jack plugged in his earphones, the songs of encouragement pumping through his ears as he sent a timer and began to jog.

 

Just as he starts to feel dizzy, the timer goes off and he collapses on his bed, covered in sweat and panting.

 

Exhausted and stomach aching for food, he attempts to fall asleep. One thought keeps cycling through his mind - this wasn’t as easy as he thought it’d be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all my google docs for these chapters are named shit like "im the worst writer ever" "i made myself cry" "chocolate rain is stuck in my head" cause im a professional clearly
> 
> thats all, thanks for reading. if you enjoyed, feel free to leave kudos or comment I'll love you forever tbh


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack reaches his goal weight, but he doesn't want to stop. Simon wants to get to know him better, and things are getting complicated.

150.0

 

Jack almost doesn’t believe it. He weighs himself a second time, a third. He was tired after just waking, but this certainly woke him up. Excitement and pride flush through his body, leaving him bubbly and jumping around the room, pumping his fist in the air.

 

In less than a month. In twenty eight days, he reached his goal.

 

Smiling from ear to ear, he grabs his phone and snaps a picture of the number on the scale as he stands on it, sending it to Taylor.

 

**_jack_ **

_I REACHED MY GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!_

 

To his surprise, she replies almost instantly.

 

**_taylor_ **

_SNSKSND_

 

**_taylor_ **

_IM SO PROUD OF U! ALL OUR HARD WORK PAID OFF!_

 

**_jack_ **

_i owe it all to you for being my guide and motivator. you’re my best friend, Tay._

 

**_taylor_ **

_aww, my pet project is all grown up and so sweetly thankful :) you’re mine too. i’d hang with you over my gal friends anyday._

 

**_taylor_ **

_but..i think it’d be good for you to stick to the regimen for just a little while longer. while your body adjusts to eating normally again, you'll gain a couple pounds of water weight. you don’t wanna gain it all back right?_

 

**_jack_ **

_definitely not...how long?_

 

**_taylor_ **

_just two more weeks?? i know you can do it. you’re my most dedicated prodigy i’ve ever had. there’s no such thing as too thin, so you have nothing to lose!_

 

**_jack_ **

_i’ll do anything i can to be thin. two weeks it is. and if i need to do more after that, ill do more. i’ve made it this far: i could do this forever if i wanted to. you’ve really opened my eyes to my potential._

**_taylor_ **

_thats my jackie! see you at club in a couple days. i’ll be super excited to see all your progress! keep me updated, lets shoot for at least five pounds two weeks from now._

 

**_jack_ **

_you got it._

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Castiel watches fondly over Jack as he adds some finishing touches to the hat he’s made for Claire. It’s gorgeous and professional, a light muted purple with the promised “Badass” in black on the front. He knows he got the right size this time, because Castiel watched Jack measure a laughing Claire’s head.

 

“I hope she likes it. Taylor’s friend Katelyn broke up with her boyfriend because he wasn’t appreciative of the sweater she gave him. Knitting is more drama filled than you’d think,” Jack says absentmindedly whilst he looks at the beanie from every angle, looking for mistakes.

 

“Claire would love anything you gave her., It’s different in romantic relationships which...you two...aren’t...right?” Castiel replies, hesitant.

 

“Gross! She’s like my cousin in a way! Besides, I’ve never felt that way about any girl..” Jack trails off, being reminded of one of his insecurities. It’s like his body’s broken in that way. No matter how hard he tries to look at girls and feel love, he can only admire their knitwork. At least he’s fixing his body in the most important way. Losing weight.

 

“Okay, okay, I was just inquiring,” Castiel said.

 

When Jack stood up to get a glass of water, Castiel began to notice something. Jack’s legs seemed...smaller. Not too small, but definitely different. He could see it even when Jack sat down, even looking at his face, it looked more defined.

 

“Have you lost weight?” Castiel blurts out.

 

Jack freezes, but quickly regains composure and remembers all of Taylor’s lessons. “No, it’s just the first time I’ve worn these new skinny jeans. I like them a lot, by the way. Totally cooler than the baggy jeans I always wear.”

 

Be lighthearted, be nonchalant. All while implanting ideas and lies into the suspicious questioners.

 

“Oh...okay, then.”

____________________________________________________________________________

  


Jack awkwardly held up his hat, explaining the methods and materials he used, graciously accepting compliments he got. He never knew what to do when he was presenting his work. He preferred to watch the others, mentally taking notes and gaining inspiration from their beautiful creations.

 

As he went to sit down next to Taylor, Simon tugged on his shirt, making Jack turn to face him.

 

“Hey, Jack, I was wondering if you’d want to hang out after clubs over,” Simon said, smiling.

 

Jack stumbled over his words, feeling his cheeks oddly heat up. “Uhm, I’ll ask my parents,” Jack replied.

 

“Cool,” Simon said, holding his fist out, making Jack chuckle and they fistbumped.

 

When Jack sat down next to Taylor, he noticed her look of confusion. “What were you talking with Simon about?” She inquired.

 

“Oh, he wants to hang out with me today,” Jack answered, pulling out his phone to text Dean.

 

“Ugh! He’s never asked me that. Why would he want to hang out with some bros instead of a girl who would do anything he asked! Really..” Taylor sighed, pouting.

 

“You could always ask to tag along,” Jack offered.

 

“No, no, it’s whatever. It’s not as if I even like him or anything. I just know a hot guy when I see one,” Taylor replied.

 

Jack nodded, smiling when he got a confirmation that he could hang out with Simon, just to text him when or if he needed picking up.

 

“I gotta say, you have improved immensely since our diet project. You reached 146, right? four pounds in two days. Even I’m a little jealous,” Taylor chuckled.

 

“Thank you,” Jack replied, feeling a little good about his body for the first time in forever. The only compliments that mattered were ones from Taylor- She had no problem putting him in his place, so he knew they were genuine.

 

“You should get to 140, at least. You’ve made it this far- why not get a nice, clean number ending in 0.” Taylor said.

 

“Honestly?” Jack replied, “I don’t want to stop at any fixed point right now. If there’s any room for improvement, I want to be perfect. Whatever that number is. Besides, I’d feel sick eating enough to maintain. I dread it. I don’t know how I ever ate that much.”

 

Taylor smiled, “That’s exactly why I like you.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

“So...where do you wanna go?” Jack asked, watching the club members take their things and one by one leave the building.

 

“I thought we could just go to the park a couple minutes away. I really just wanna get to know you better, you know?” Simon replied, looking to the ground.

 

Jack felt his body temperature rise, no doubt his face had turned pink. It was natural to be nervous around someone he held to such high esteem- everyone either wanted Simon or wanted to be him. He’d been Jack’s main thinspiration.

 

“Sound’s good to me,” Jack replied.

 

Simon lightly gripped Jack’s sleeve, leading him outside and the two headed for the park, riding a somewhat awkward silence. The park was barely two minutes away by foot, so they were sat on a bench in no time.

 

“Not a lot of people here,” Jack mentioned, eyes scanning the park for visitors. He saw a young mother with a toddler far away on the swings, but no one else was in view.

 

“It’s not the best park out there. There's one about ten minutes away that has all the cool playground equipment, but I don’t think those would be any use to us,” Simon chuckled, scooting closer to Jack.

 

Jack’s focus had caught a beautiful bright blue butterfly fluttering just a few feet away from them. He often found himself getting lost in nature, and that had become more apparent since...recent developments. Anything he could do to get his mind off food, mind off everything.

 

“Tell me, Jack Kline, what’s your story? I only started to see you in this small town several months ago, and since then three men claiming to be your father have driven you to club and picked you up. I can’t imagine all there is to know about you,” Simon said, with a warm smile.

 

Jack held back a snort. There were a lot of things to know about him, but not a lot he could tell. He carefully and quickly mentally rehearsed the story they’d gone with. “Not much, really. After my mom...died when I was born, my father Castiel had a lot on his plate. His closest friends, two brothers, took him and I in to support him. It’s kind of like that show full house, right? That’s why I have three dads,” Jack said, chuckling but eyes glimmering with dull sadness.

 

“I’m so sorry, Jack. I wouldn’t have asked if I knew about your mom,” Simon replied, sincerely, scratching his neck awkwardly.

 

“It’s fine. I mean, I never really knew her, so I don’t really have the right to be sad,” Jack reasoned.

 

“..I have a brother, he died in a car accident two years before I was born. I never met him, but I get sad about it sometimes, too. It’s more of a ‘what could have been?’ kinda thing, right?” said Simon, placing a comforting hand on Jack’s shoulder.

 

“I never knew about any of that...I guess I always assumed you were perfect and had no problems. Because you are, mostly. Everyone wants to be you,” Jack said, looking up at him.

 

Simon chuckled, “I guess it’s a trade off. There’s never a perfect person...people really think that about me, though? Huh. I always thought you were top dog. Especially since you became a fitness guru and all. I hear the girls talk about you all the time, you must be asked out a lot.”

 

Jack blushed, looking the other way. “I mean, they’ve asked me to hang out before. I just don’t really see myself with any girl i’ve ever known. And, trust me, I’m no fitness ‘guru’. I have a long way to go before i’d be on your level.”

 

“I think I’m the one who needs to get on your level. I’d hate to see you think there's anything you need to change. I mean...you’re hot. Objectively. And...not objectively,” Simon replied.

 

“W-well uh, you too. Hot. Yeah,” Jack said, face red as a tomato, looking up at Simon’s gaze. Why did Jack feel this way? What did he feel in the first place?

 

“I think you’re a really cool guy, Jack. I’ve known you for awhile now and I’ve realized how great of a person you are...and…” Simon trailed off.

 

Simon began to tilt his head and slowly lean down.

 

Jack’s expression switched to shock and he leaned backwards, away from Simon, confused.

 

Simon pulled back, face palming, and looked to the ground.

“I’m sorry, Jack, I just...I must’ve had a different idea of what this was. I didn’t mean to pressure you, to put you in this position- god. I suck. I completely read this wrong, and-”

 

“Don’t apologize,” Jack cut him off, putting his hand on Simon’s sleeve.

 

Simon turned to look at him, embarrassed.

 

“Do it,” Jack said, looking him straight in the eyes.

 

“What?” Simon asked, incredulous

 

“You-you were gon-gonna kiss me, right? Do it. You caught me off guard, but I’m not now,” Jack explained, with determination.

 

Jack wasn’t thinking straight, wasn’t analyzing every little thing. It was terrifying. In a good way.

 

Simon opened his mouth to say something, but didn’t. He carefully cupped Jack’s face with his right hand, and leaned down slowly, giving Jack an opportunity to back out if he so wished. Jack closed his eyes and tilted his head, heart beating a million times a minute.

 

Simon’s lips touched his. It was chaste, and nervous, but so, so exhilarating. Simon pulled back after a few seconds, nervously gauging Jack’s reaction.

 

It took Jack no time to decide if he liked it or not.

 

Jack lightly gripped Simon’s collar, and pulled him close, touching his lips to his own, with fervor. Kissing him was like satisfying a hunger he never knew he had- making up for months of famine.

 

Every time Simon ran his hand down his arm, it felt like Jack was being branded. It was completely illogical and confusing, how a simple touch made him react the way he did. Feel the way he did. It was like being in an alternate universe that was way cooler than the one he’d been staying.

 

Finally, they forced themselves to part, and Jack huffed and puffed from the lost oxygen. Jack buried his face in his hands and started to laugh. He didn’t know why. Nothing about it was particularly humorous, but it was the only way he could release the ecstasy bubbling inside him. He smiled from ear to ear, and looked at Simon’s similar expression.

 

“So. That happened,” Simon chuckled, equally flushed.

 

“Yep,” Jack replied.

 

Simon looked at him, admiring the boy he’d been crushing on for awhile.

 

“Do you uh, wanna go out sometime?” Simon said, awkwardly. Jack had never known how fumbling and nervous the most popular guy he knows could be. He liked it.

 

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?” Jack said, smiling.

 

“I mean, yeah, but you didn’t know it, cause I suck at communicating. I don’t want to pressure you into anything- but I want to really get to know you, to deserve kissing you like that. So if you want, I could uh, I don’t know, take you to McDonald’s or something,” Simon rambles.

 

“I’d like that. You have my number, so just text me a time that works for you. I’m not busy,” Jack replied.

 

“Cool,” Said Simon, internally pumping his fist in the air.

 

“I’ll have to be getting home soon, though. As much as I’d hate to go,” Jack said.

 

Simon pulled out his phone to check the time, cursing under his breath. “Me too. I’m supposed to be putting together a table my mom just got. I’m gonna go, but I will text you tonight,” Simon replied.

 

“Looking forward to it,” Jack said, in an attempt to be smooth and cool. Whilst inside he was freaking out. He’d never had a romantic interest before. What the hell does he do? It’s exciting but terrifying, and right now, Jack just wants to call Dean to pick him up and watch Netflix for awhile, instead of pondering life.

 

But alone on a park bench, he can’t help but ponder. He didn’t know he was a...homosexual. Was he even that? He’d never felt anything towards anyone except Simon. Was he going to hell? Did he even die? God was his grandfather, he might be extra mad about that.

 

Jack opened Spotify and put on earphones, letting his calming playlist take over him. It’s fine. It’s gonna be fine.

 

No use in worrying. What he really needs to be worried about is how he’d avoid eating if Simon took him to McDonald's. Or what excuse he’s using for skipping dinner tonight. Priorities, Jack, he reminded himself.

 

Thoughts of how Simon’s hands felt on him turned to thoughts of how Simon must’ve really noticed how fat he was.

 

If he’s going to have a love life, that’s even more reason to have a decent, non-disgusting body.

 

Life was getting a lot messier than he’d wanted it, but it’s all for the greater good; perfection.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've made it this far? wow
> 
> Thank you for reading! x


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Simon set up a date, and Jack realizes he has to tell his family about it. His symptoms are increasing, but he refuses to admit that he's not fine.

**_simon_ **

_ hii _

 

**_simon_ **

_ so, i’m free anytime after 3pm on monday? how is your schedule? _

 

**_simon_ **

_ if you’re still up for a date w/ me _

 

Jack read the texts over and over, pausing periodically to put down his phone and fight the urge to scream from nervousness and excitement. He chided himself for acting weird. Why did a simple text affect him in this way?

 

Perhaps because even seeing Simon’s name sent flashbacks of the events a couple hours prior. 

 

**_jack_ **

_ it depends on where it is and how i get there. my family doesn’t trust me to drive and i dont know if they’d be able to drive me, id have to ask _

 

**_simon_ **

_ i can pick you up! i got my license six months ago B-) ill escort u and open the car door and be cool like in the movies!! _

 

**_simon_ **

_ theres a small free concert happening at 6 on monday. at the cooler park. but if ur not available, i can still hook you up with all those chicken nuggets anytime _

 

Jack snorted, kicking his feet in the air whilst he lays on his bed, blushing at every letter Simon sends him.

 

**_jack_ **

_ i think i’m able to go see the concert!! that’d be so fun  _

 

**_jack_ **

_ thank you for inviting me out <3 _

 

Should he sent the heart? Is it too much? He sends hearts to Taylor all the time, in a friendly way. Will Simon think he’s weird?-

 

Stop. Can’t over think it. Jack will not let infatuation control him like this, making him crazy. He’s stronger than that. He has twenty one pounds lost to prove it.

 

He sends it.

**_simon_ **

_ thank you for accepting <3 i can pick you up at around 5:45 monday if plans dont change, then? _

 

Holy heck. Simon sent a heart back. Jack nearly has a seizure, and finds himself wondering if Simon has these reactions too. 

 

Haha...nope. Not a chance in hell. He probably has just already dated all the other supermodel level guys, and had to downgrade.

  
  


**_jack_ **

_ it’s a plan :) _

 

Jack weighs himself three times to make sure it’s right, then tumbles downstairs to grab his yarn and needles.

 

It’s only when he sees Dean unsuccessfully trying to open a bag of frozen chicken nuggets, that Jack realizes he should probably check with them that it’s alright for him to go, even if he doesn’t require them to drive him.

 

“Hey, Dean?” Jack says, wrapping the mess of yarn back into a ball as he walks toward him.

 

“Yeah?” Dean replies, grabbing a knife to stab the nuggets out of the unforgiving hard plastic wrap.

 

“Is it okay if i leave on Monday, around six? I got invited to see this free concert playing in the park. They would pick me up though, so you wouldn’t have to drive,” Jack said.

 

“Don’t see why not. Is it a date?” Dean says, offhandedly in a joking manner.

 

Jack freezes. How did he know? Is he a mind reader? Is he secretly reading all his thoughts? Hey! Tell me if you can hear this! Jack thinks.

 

“Wait, is it actually?” Dean says, mildly shocked.

 

“I..I didn’t say that! Stop reading my mind, it’s weird!” Jack exclaims.

 

“Dude, I’m not reading your mind. I say it every time. You could be visiting a nursing home to donate an afghan and I’d still ask if you’re going on a date,” Dean replied in exasperation.

 

“Oh. Forget I said anything. Bye!” Jack rushed to get away from this situation, but Dean grabbed his shoulder.

 

“Hey! I raised you and you won’t even give me the details?” Dean said.

 

“You wanted to kill me for awhile, so I think it evens out,” Jack replied 

 

Dean grimaced, scratching his neck awkwardly. “We got passed that. Besides, everyone deserves to get grilled about their first date, whether you’re human or...a you. I remember Sam’s first date. He didn’t give me details either, so I snooped and found a really bad poem he wrote for her. So it’s better to fess up, kid.”

 

Jack begrudgingly sat down on the chair next to him. “What do you want to know?”

 

“How old are they? You better not be getting groomed by some middle aged knitting lady. I don’t care what we put on your fudged legal documents, you look more like a sixteen year old to me. Should you even be allowed to date? You’re technically like, two.” Dean rambled, taking the nuggets from the microwave.

 

“Having so much fun so far,”  Jack replied with sarcasm, itching to leave before he got roped into telling him that his date was not a she. 

 

“All I want is their name, age, how you met them, how you got asked out,  maybe a photo or a background check…” Dean smirked.

 

“I will give you their age, how we met and decided to hang out,” Jack said, firmly.

 

“Not even a name? Just a first name? I couldn’t even do a background check on that! I need to make up an embarassing couple name to terrorize you with. Or I could just make up a name. How about Mildred? Milack. I could be like, ‘Yup, Sam, Milack is going out today’!” Dean seemed to think it was the funniest thing ever, and briefly choked on a nugget.

 

“They’re seventeen, we met at the club, they asked me out at the park when we were hanging out. Can I go now? I don’t want to fuel this any further,” Jack said, twirling the yarn between his fingers.

 

“Once I get a name, sure thing. I won’t even make up an embarrassing couple name. But if you don’t, Milack lives on,” said Dean.

 

Jack put laid his head down on the table, sighing. He can’t lie. He’s already lied so much lately, he’s too grateful of the Winchester’s and his father Castiel’s hospitality. 

 

He made a promise to only ever lie about food and eating.

 

“Simon,” Jack says, muffled from the table.

 

“..What?” Dean says, confused.

 

Jack lifts his head up, still avoiding Dean’s eyes. “His name is Simon.”

 

Dean stares at him for a few seconds, then swallows the chicken nugget in his mouth. “Damn. Shoulda’ read the parenting books Cas got. Huh.”

 

Jack lays his head on the table again in shame. He knew Dean would be disappointed in him.

 

“No, not like that! I mean I would know how not to scar you for life by reacting a certain way- Like I am now- I mean- I mean I’m cool with it. I’m hip. I’m only forty, you know, I’m basically a fellow kid.”

 

Jack lifts his head up once again, and is met with the horrifying sight of Dean slowly and unsurely lifting his arms up, shifting them awkwardly and then positioning them into the most horrifying sight.

 

Dean dabbed.

 

Jack winces, a cringe attack on the horizon. But he’s soon filled with warmth in his heart, and a small smile creeps up on his face.

 

“Thank you for being understanding, Dean. I appreciate it,” Jack says.

 

“No sweat,” Dean says, breaking from the dab. “I mean, if I had to live with the fact that my couple name was Sack, I’d need all the support I could get.”

 

Jack puts his face on the table again, but this time to quiet his laughter.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Jack decides the best course of action is fasting until the date. It’ll only be a couple pounds anyway, but it’s worth it. Plus, Taylor says fasting has all sorts of benefits. That it does wonders for your skin, among other things.

 

Jack feels like he’s on cloud nine. He’s gonna go on his first date, no doubt because of his weight loss. And fasting, which he hasn’t done in awhile. It carries much more power than eating half a bowl of soup and maybe some toast a day. Even if it’s barely any calories, it’s calories.

 

He feels empty. Like there’s nothing inside him but bones, skin, and...fat. He can’t forget the fat. But at least there’s no food. The cause of all his troubles in life, the root of evil. Jack is reminded of Adam and Eve when he eats, and has begun to understand that overeating is similar. He has to eat some to stay alive, but eating over the calories you burn a day is sinful. Gluttonous. Wrong.

 

Jack has never felt so right.

 

He browses the internet of ana communities, and frowns when he sees the people painting ana like it’s some sort of disease. It’s not. It’s having willpower, the “side effects” are simply the metaphorical devil in your ear, wanting you to give up.

 

Ana has really changed his life.

 

He texts Simon frequently as their date approaches, and they get to know each other properly. It’s nice. Unfamiliar, but in a great way.

 

Sam and Castiel know about the date, and that it’s a boy, but not from him. He gave permission for Dean to casually bring it up to them. Jack didn’t think he could stand another awkward encounter. They’re cool with it, and he’s pleasantly surprised.

 

As he fasts, he notices that whenever he stands up, black spots cloud his vision and he feels weak on his feet. It doesn’t matter though, he’ll eat when the date is over. It’s not like being woozy killed anyone.

 

Jack’s life is looking up so far.

 

His increasing dizziness is nothing but a hiccup to be forgotten and compartmentalized, he has more appealing things to think of.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so impatient right now like so much shit is about to happen in future chapters you don't even know aaaaa-
> 
> thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of Jack's first date is great...mostly.

It’s 5:30, and Jack’s glued to the mirror, trying desperately to look as nice as his full potential. He’s downing glass of water after glass of water, partly to encourage weight loss and good skin, partly because he’s sweating like mad. 

 

He’s asked Sam at least seven times if he looks okay, but Jack still feels unsure. And pretty stupid, for worrying so much when Simon is probably so chill about it.

 

At 5:40, five minutes before Simon said he’s coming, Jack considers the possibility that he won’t come. That it’s all a prank. Which is ridiculous and illogical, but he doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

 

Castiel spoke in quiet tones to Dean, “Are you sure it’s safe to him to be picked up by this boy? Do we know if he has any connections to hunters that might be staking him out? I haven’t even met him and we’re trusting-” 

 

“Dude, relax. If you don’t let him go on normal dates he’ll turn out all weird when he gets older. Well, weirder than he is now,” Dean snorted.

 

Sam kicked Dean’s leg. “Ow!...besides, I already used my super ninja skills to do a full background check. He’s cool,”  Dean said.

 

Sam rolled his eyes. “You mean you found him on Facebook and looked up his name?”

 

“I neither confirm nor deny.”

 

“He’s only seventeen years old, he might get in a car accident-” Cas started, before they heard a knock on the door.

 

Jack ran from the couch, tripping once, panicking to fix his hair, then opening the door.

 

They were then face to face with Simon Zachary, with his puppy smile and a...huge, thick dandelion?

 

“Hey Jack! I found this really big mutant dandelion in my yard before I came, so obviously it has to be preserved, you can have it if you want, oh your..dads? are here! Hi y’all! Wow, cool layout. You guys must be big readers. Are you ready to go to the concert now?” Simon beamed.

 

“He said y’all. I don’t trust him,” Dean murmured.

 

“He looks...okay. But it could just be a front. Send me a testicular message when you arrive at the concert, Jack,” Castiel said, narrowing his eyes.

 

“Cas...It’s just text message. We’ve been over this. It doesn’t even make sense-” Sam started.

 

“Okay! Simon and I are leaving now, it’s been great, goodbye!” Jack said, grabbing hold of Simon’s sleeve and motioning him to follow him outside as he opens the door.

 

“Your family is pretty cool. It’s like your house is made out of library,” Simon remarks, opening the car door for Jack.

 

Once they’re seated, Jack says, “Sam and Dean inherited it from their Grandfather. It was home base for some really old group of people who studied mythology, religion and all that,” Jack said, keeping the details out of it.

 

“Nice. My mom is super into Greek mythology, she has little figures of the Greek gods everywhere. I don’t think she actually believes any of it, though,” said Simon.

 

They settle into a comfortable conversation about other legends, but arrive at the concert in ten minutes.

 

“Wow,” Jack says,  “It’s really pretty!”

 

There’s a small wooden platform, with instruments and groups of people settling down in the grass or on chairs. It’s just starting to get dark, so mini string lights are scattered around, creating a soft ambiance. 

 

“I was hoping you’d like it. I always hear you gushing over smaller bands that deserve more attention,” said Simon, grabbing a blanket from the backseat for them to sit on.

 

Jack feels flattered that he paid that much attention to him. “Thank you for being kind to me,” Jack says, quietly, somewhat regretting coming on too strong.

 

“Thank you for being thankful. I’ve never met someone who felt so happy to go on a date where money isn’t spent on them,” Simon remarks.

 

They settle down on the blanket, slightly separate from the other groups of people, right as the music starts.

 

It starts with soft strums of a guitar, soon accompanied by a softer female voice and hints of piano keys. It gets faster and puts you in suspense, then ends in a soulful chorus, equally as satisfying as a typical bass drop.

 

As the first song ends, the piano player quickly reaches up to high five the main singer, and a faint giggle is heard by the microphone as the preparations for the next song begin.

 

“I can’t believe you don’t have to pay to hear music like that! It seems unfair, that one song is worth everything!” Jack says in wonder, a smile refusing to leave his face.

 

“They’re gonna get paid by the park. They’re trying to make people interested in going again, with all the technological advancements, not many find the need to visit a park anymore,” Simon said.

 

“Do you think they’ll have more concerts like this?” Jack says, hopefully.

 

“They’re doing another next week, I think, I’d have to look it up. I’d be happy to take you again...if you want,” Simon replied

 

“I’d like that,” Jack said, scooting closer to Simon, so that their arms were just barely touching.

 

The lead singer surprisingly starts to dance beautifully during an instrumental part of the second song, hurrying to grab her microphone when it’s time for her lines, nailing every note.

 

“Do you know the name of the band? I have to save their music,” Jack says.

 

“Fluttered Heart. They’re totally gonna be famous one day,”  Simon replied.

 

They exchange their favorite parts throughout the song, and when it ends, Jack pulls out his phone to look them up.

 

“Only 8,000 views for this song on YouTube. If they don’t have a million one day, I’ll somehow have to force the world to take the time to listen to them,” Jack says.

 

Simon chuckles. “You have a very kind personality.”

 

“I don’t know. Taylor says I just self sabotage by liking unknown talent and getting upset when they don’t have a large fan base,” Jack says, shyly.

 

“You do the world a good service. Anyone would take your word for it when you say a band is the best in the world. You have an innocent face,” replied Simon.

 

“Thank you,” Jack says, as a small wind passes by him, causing him to shiver slightly.

 

“Are you cold?” Simon asked.

 

“Just a little,” Jack says, offhandedly.

 

“This is my chance!” Simon exclaimed, and Jack sent him a confused look. Simon started to rummage through his bag, and pulled out a jacket.

 

“It’s not that cold out, but I always bring a jacket anyway. Now I can give it to you like a gentleman!” Simon laughs, holding it up.

 

Jack puts his face in his hands to hide a blush, and starts to laugh with him as Simon drapes it over Jack’s shoulders.

 

“It looks so huge on you. You really are tiny,” Simon said as he closed up his backpack.

 

Tiny? Him? Jack wonders if its a joke. Oh, he means by height, Jack realized. He had a couple inches over him. Jack could only dream of being tiny in weight compared to him. “Thank you,” Jack says, grinning as he focuses his attention back to the music.

 

As the songs play, they end up discussing their knitting projects, and then how they got into knitting in the first place.

 

“When I was really little, I’d always see my mom’s knitting supplies, but never see her knit. When I was little, she was a lot sadder than she was now. So I thought if I knit something for her it would make her happy. I did, without instructions, and it turned out hideous. But I showed it to her, and she was so happy. I fell in love with it after that,” Simon smiles warmly.

 

“You were so thoughtful at a young age. It’s amazing. I just got into knitting because I was bored and didn’t know anyone,” Jack replied.

 

“That’s a good of reason as any. My mom loves that younger people are knitting. It’s a beautiful thing to do, to not abandon the simple things as our world gets older, you know?” Simon said.

 

“When you put it like that, knitting becomes more than I thought it was. I like your way of thinking. Maybe i’ll procrastinate my projects less,” Jack replied, lightening the mood but conveying that Simon’s statement touched him.

 

Halfway through the concert, Simon lays his arm around Jack’s shoulder. Jack has an internal heart attack, but he thinks he managed to keep it cool as he leaned on Simon, silently listening to the music, appreciating the moment.

 

Trying desperately to block out thoughts of how gross his body must’ve felt to him.

 

It’s almost torture when the concert ends. An hour seems not nearly long enough, but people are packing their things so they break from their half-embrace.

 

Simon’s stands first, and begins picking everything up.

 

When Jack stands up, he immediately loses vision. Instead of grey spots muddling it, he can’t see at all. Simon isn’t facing him, and is oblivious. 

 

His heart is beating a million miles a minute, and he can actually hear it. Blood is pumping vigorously through his body and Jack’s gone deaf to anything else.

 

Jack’s knees start to wobble, and he can’t catch his breath. He should’ve regained his vision by now. He should’ve. His head hurts. Why?

 

Jack completely loses his balance, hitting the ground on his knees, bracing himself with his hands. But as he pants, he begins regaining sight, and sound.

  
“Whoa! You okay?” Simon asked, hurrying to help Jack to his feet.

 

Jack swallows, letting his body recover.

 

“Yeah, I’m just clumsy, tripped,” Jack said, embarrassed, still feeling dizzy but hiding it. It looked like Simon bought it, though, so he didn’t fret.

 

He was scared. Really, really scared. But if he doesn't want to be found out, he needs to act normally.

 

“I had a lot of fun with you, Simon. Thank you for taking me out. I couldn’t imagine it would be this great,” Jack smiled brightly with his teeth.

 

“Does this mean I get a second date?” Simon said, grinning.

 

“If you want to, it’s guaranteed,” Jack replied.

 

“Yeah!” Simon pumped a victory fist in the air for comedic effect, causing Jack to cover his mouth laughing.

 

The car ride was just as wonderful as the date itself, and it seemed like no time had passed before they were at the door to the bunker.

 

“I hate to say goodbye,” Jack murmured, looking down at the ground.

 

“You’ll see me at the next club meeting. And don’t think I forgot about that second date,” Simon smiles.

 

They stare at each other awkwardly, like middle schoolers  waiting for the other person to make the first move.

 

“Can I kiss you goodnight?” Simon finally asks, breaking the tension.

 

“Okay,” Jack replied nervously, and Simon leans down to meet their lips in a chaste, but long kiss.

 

“Goodnight,” Simon said, his face clearly heated, as he wore a happy expression.

 

“Goodnight,” Jack replied, and watched him leave toward his car. Before Simon entered it, he looked back and blew a kiss comically, causing Jack to snort and awkwardly send one back, unable to hide his ecstasy.

 

Soon Simon drove off, and Jack opened the door, faced with the three men sitting on the couch.

 

“Jack, you did not send me a testicular message when you arrived at the concert, I was about to investigate-”

 

“Cas, again, it’s just TEXT message. where did  you even get that idea?-”

 

“How should I know or question human’s abbreviations and slang! You people use the word female dog as an insult, in another universe that would be a compliment-”

 

“Do I need to kill anyone? I’m good at that.” Dean said.

 

Jack blinked a few times at the sight before him. “I had a great time. No, Dean, you wouldn’t need to kill anyone regardless of that answer. Please don’t consider it,” Jack said, slightly concerned for Simon’s well being.

 

“Damn. Woulda' been cool to at least scare that guy. He comes in here displaying a mutant dandelion and saying ‘y’all’ and I don’t even get an interrogation. Unfair,” Dean crosses his arms.

 

Jack takes the mutant dandelion out of his pocket, “I think it’s really pretty, actually. And y’all is just an abbreviation. Don’t be judgy,” Jack replies.

 

“Whipped,” Sam says, scrolling on his phone.

 

Jack rolls his eyes, before walking to his room.

 

He basically fainted. Not really, but he couldn't keep himself upright. It was one of the most terrifying things he's ever felt. But for some reason, Jack can't find it in himself to do anything about it. 

 

Stuff happens. He's been hurt worse, a hell of a lot worse. Stumbling, what he's calling it now, is nothing but a fluke. He'll eat when he needs to. Jack knows his limits.

 

He gets ready to weigh himself by taking off any accessories, and it’s only then that he notices the jacket. Ugh, he thinks. Jack can’t believe he forgot to give it back. He weighs himself three times, writes 144 in his journal, and pulls out his phone.

 

**_jack_ **

_ i forgot to give you back your jacket!! i’m sorry _

 

**_simon_ **

_ you can just give it to me the next time you see me, dont sweat it. it looks cuter on you anyways _

 

**_jack_ **

_ i will. thank you <3 _

 

Jack stops himself from internally screaming, and goes through the motions of checking the Ana tumblr tag, planning how much longer his fast will be.

 

But Jack finds it hard to focus on it, when his mind keeps drifting off to the most amazing date he could ever imagine. He feels so lucky.

 

He needs to be deserving. He’ll fast for a few more days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall can I just say something. I don't even knit. I crochet. Why am I writing about knitting? No idea.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A painful fight leaves Jack determined to prove his worthiness, oblivious to the danger he's in.

Jack was positively itching to talk to Taylor. He didn’t know how to bring up recent events over text, so he’s been waiting for the next club meeting. He searches for her long ginger hair among the other members, and smiles when he spots her.

 

“Taylor! I’ve been wanting to talk to you,” Jack said, walking toward her tiny frame.

 

“You’re not asking me out, right? You’ve got a little ways to go for that,” She jokes, giggling to herself as she puts her phone in her pocket.

 

“No...but I did go on a date on Monday,” Jack said, bubbling with excitement.

 

“No kidding, losing over twenty pounds does a lot. With who? I need details!” Taylor replied, eyes shimmering.

 

“Well...I didn’t expect it at all. But it was with Simon,” Jack said.

 

She stares at him, blinking.

 

Then she bursts into laughter. “Oh, you really got me! That’s funny, you’ve brushed up on your comedy. No, really, who is she?”

 

Jack winces, this wasn’t going to go as well as he imagined..

 

“No...it was with Simon. He asked me out at the park. I thought you said you didn’t like him, I-”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Taylor said, expression changing harshly.

 

“Are you mad at me?” Jack says, hurt.

 

“That depends, are you telling me you’re gay?!” Taylor said, purposefully loud enough for other members to hear.

 

Jack grimaced at the people turning their heads toward them.

 

“I don’t know, Taylor. Someone asked me out and I said yes. I had a good time. I thought you’d be cool with it, you’re liberal with everything else,” Jack said in a quiet tone.

 

“You’re not who I thought you were. You fooled me. I feel like such an idiot. Now what, you’re gonna prance around with Simon feeling so self entitled because no one wants to tell you what they really think.” Taylor crossed her arms, glaring straight into his ocean eyes.

 

“What do you think, Taylor?” Jack said in exasperation.

 

Taylor pursed her lips and unleashed her venom, “I think you’re too blind and lazy to accept your true self and try to better it, so you’re migrating into a protected group of people. It’s wrong, Jack. It’s gross. You’re stealing away innocent boys from girls who could actually be good for them. I’m sorry you’re too coddled to accept that you’re just a fatass engaging in taboo shit.”

 

“We’ve been friends for too long for you to turn on me like that,” Jack said, half pleadingly, half angry.

 

“Boohoo. Life goes on without you, Jack. But you’re nothing without me. The second I’m gone you’ll gain fifty pounds and die of aids, wishing you would’ve treated me better,” Taylor said, in a quiet but equally destructive voice.

 

Jack stared. He felt his eyes begin to fill with hot tears, and he turned to walk away.

 

“If you’d just apologize and repent, i’d forget the gross things you said,” Taylor whispered.

 

Jack paused his stride, looking down at his feet.

 

Should he?

 

“No,” He said, and walked out, hiding his debilitating heartbreak behind an angry face and pounding footsteps.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

He settled behind a large maple tree, allowing the scalding tears to wash over him, hugging his knees.

 

It wasn’t meant to be like this. Jack was supposed to tell her, she’d react like a typical teenager in 2019 and not give a crap. Then they’d talk about meal plans and self control, fit in some discussions about pop culture.

 

Jack sees Simon’s silhouette jogging over to him, and Jack groans from embarrassment, wiping the tears with his sleeve. He wants to crawl in a hole and never come out. Starving to death doesn’t seem so bad right now, the only problem is it’d take too long.

 

Once Simon’s in front of him, he doesn’t really know what to say. He looks at Jack’s red face and feels his stomach in knots.

 

“...Are you gonna be okay?” Simon said, softly sitting down by his side.

 

“I don’t know. I’m sorry,” Jack says, closing his eyes tightly, then looking up at the cloudy sky.

 

“You have to know that she’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with what you and I did, you shouldn’t feel ashamed,” Simon said.

 

He stretched a comforting hand to Jack’s shoulder, but he flinched away.

 

“She ruined it, Simon. I was so happy. I’d never felt joy like that. I was excited to tell her, excited to go on more dates with you. But now I just feel gross,” Jack said, voice cracking.

 

Simon looked at him with empathy and worry. “She’s the one who should feel gross. You went on a date. Big deal, she can shove it. Channel your insecurities into thinking of what a shitty person she is for what she said to you.”

 

“She is...she was my friend. I trusted her. I can’t trust anything anymore, I could get betrayed at any time. God, I hate this!” Jack shouted.

 

Simon opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off.

 

“Screw her! right does she have against me!?” Jack bellowed, clenching his fists.

 

“God damn right! Nothing she has credibility! Don’t let her make you feel anything!” Simon encouraged the anger, hoping to allow Jack to release his emotions in a way that wasn’t self deprecating..

 

“Taylor doesn’t control my life! Nobody does!” Jack screamed, grabbing Simon’s collar and wrapping them in a searing kiss.

 

After a minute, they pulled away, Jack panting.

 

Simon stared at him, breathless.

 

“I won’t let myself feel bad. I’m going to prove her wrong. My life won’t change at all without her, accept it’ll be better,” Jack said, with shaky determination.

 

“I’m with you,” Simon said, patting his back.

 

“It won’t affect me at all, I mean it. Unless you cancel, I’m going on another date with you. I’m a free person,” Jack said, wiping the tears leftover on his face.

 

“No way am I cancelling. If tomorrow works for you, it works for me. It can even feature burning pictures you have of her,” Simon joked.

 

Jack’s face bloomed a small smile. “I don’t even want to think about her. Where do you wanna go?”

 

“I have Netflix and an unlimited supply of yarn with your name on it.”

  
“Done.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________

  
  


Simon ended up driving him home, obviously very early. Simon leaned down to kiss Jack’s cheek at the doorway, then reluctantly pulling away so Jack could enter the bunker.

 

Castiel confusedly looked up from his book as he saw Jack enter. “Why are you hear so early?”

 

He squinted as Jack walked closer, taken aback when he saw his red puffy eyes and dried tears.

 

“What’s wrong?” Castiel asked, closing the book and standing up.

 

“It’s nothing, really…” Jack mumbled, cursing his sensitive face that always showed when he’d been crying.

 

“Will you tell me how you got here, then..?” Castiel inquired, treading carefully.

 

“Simon offered to drop me off after-....Simon drove me here, I’m fine,” Jack replied.

 

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “Did he upset you? I knew he was only good on the surface! What did he do?-”

 

Jack cut him off, “It wasn’t Simon!...I got in a fight with Taylor. We’re not speaking again...ever,” Jack said, suddenly realizing how permanent and generally shitty the situation was.

 

Castiel tilted his head, sitting back on the couch and motioning for Jack to join him. “But you’ve been friends for so long, are you sure it’s not just a bump in the road? I’d hate to see you lose your best friend, how bad could it have been?” He said, sipping his coffee.

 

“She told me I’m a fatass who’s gonna gain 50 pounds and die of aids without her,” Jack said, matter of factly, not letting the gravity of the words passing his lips truly hit him. He didn’t think he could stand another breakdown.

 

Castiel choked on his coffee, barely managing to swallow it. “She said that!? Exactly!? she always seemed so kind, how could she be homophobic?”

 

“You tell me, Castiel. It was like she became a different person. She was so helpful to me always, I have doubts if I’ll be successful without her guidance,” Jack sighed, looking away.

 

Castiel’s face softened.“You don’t need anyone else, Jack. Especially not someone like her. You were a great kid before you met her, and any personal growth? That’s all you. You chose to be a good person with talent and passion.”

 

Jack seemed unconvinced, so Castiel tried to lighten the mood.

 

“I mean, do you hear the ridiculous stuff that she says? You’re practically a twig and have even slimmed down recently. Sounds like someone's projecting, right?”

 

But it only seemed to make Jack’s demeanor sadder, until he got up from the couch and gave him a pained smile 

 

“Thank you, Castiel. You and Simon have cheered me up a lot. I just need some time to forget her, I’ll be okay,” Jack replied, putting one foot in front of the other toward his bedroom.

 

Once he sat down on his bed, he opened his phone, taken aback when he saw a text from Taylor.

 

**_taylor_ **

_ you really want to think of me as some mindless bigot? enough to ruin my reputation? _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ then prove it. prove all the things i think of you wrong. _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ whoever loses 20 pounds first wins. you’ll never do it without my coaching. and you will miss me. _

 

Jack furrowed his eyebrows, glaring at the screen, thinking of a reply.

 

**_jack_ **

_ I was going to lose more than 20lbs anyway. _

 

**_jack_ **

_ i can’t wait to see your face when you realize you’re not better than everyone else. _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ ooh, he bites back. cute. i want proof, weight updates 1x week. you have none of the willpower that i do. i started this life on my own, you NEEDED me to show you how disgusting you are. _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ do you really want to embarrass yourself like this? it’s your only chance to back out~ _

 

**_jack_ **

_ it must be scary to get taken up on your own offer. I’m not backing out. _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ if you’re so brave, get on the scale right now. i’ll even go first. bet you’ve already stuffed your face with that fag. _

 

**_taylor_ **

**_*image attached*_ **

 

Jack gritted his teeth with anger, pulling the scale from under his bed, weighing himself and sending a picture briskly. 142.

 

**_jack_ **

_ there. i don’t want to hear from you until the next weigh in. _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ we’ll see, jackie~ _

  
  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Simon are getting closer, but Jack is still obsessing over the number on the scale.

It was the next morning. It took some mental preparation, but Jack found the courage to put his money where his mouth was. Researching through coming out stories of all kinds, the general public’s opinion of homosexuality being fairly accepted, etc helped a lot. 

 

He wasn’t going to let Taylor run his life, he would date whoever he wanted to and not make any attempt to hide it.

 

**_jack_ **

_ does your offer of me coming over still stand?~ i’m free most days _

 

**_simon_ **

_ me too!~ i could even pick you up today  _

 

**_simon_ **

_ my mom’s home but she won’t mind if we watch a movie or whatever _

 

Jack looked up from his phone, putting on puppy dog eyes and facing Sam, sitting next to him.

 

“Can Simon pick me up?” Jack asked.

 

Sam looked up from his laptop, “Where to?”

 

“His house,” Jack replied.

 

Sam narrowed his eyes, “Is he alone there?”

 

“His mom is there and he said she wouldn’t care,” Jack replied.

 

“...Okay. But if she’s not there, leave.  And If you go to his room, under no circumstances do you let him close the door,” Sam said, warily.

 

“Why?” Jack inquired, genuinely confused, not getting it.

 

“Because all boys are monsters and cannot be proven innocent,” Sam said, without skipping a beat.

 

“...Okay,” Jack said, turning back to his phone.

 

**_jack_ **

_ i can do today. you can come over whenever you’re ready _

 

**_simon_ **

_ getting ready now~ _

 

Jack hurried to his bedroom to exchange sweatpants for jeans and more appropriate clothes for the chilly weather. As he ruffled through his drawers, he spotted a tiny piece of paper. Curious, he picked it up and turned it over.

 

A polaroid photo of him and Taylor hugging while she kissed his cheek.

 

Jack’s stomach twisted at the sight, but he found himself in a trance as he looked at their euphoric faces. It was last month, when they went jogging together to see who could run the longest. They were sweaty and disheveled, but it didn’t seem to matter. They had each other.

 

She had to have had felt real friendship with him, right? You can’t fake that. They were happy together. Even cruel people have feelings.

 

Jack can’t bring himself to think that it was all a lie, nor to give himself false hope that it could all be resolved one day.

 

He grabs the corners of the photograph and ripped it, doing this multiple times until the image was unrecognizable.

 

Jack had to compartmentalize. Remove thoughts of her from his life as much as possible, and pretend he didn’t care. Because then it would become reality that she was meaningless. Eventually.

 

Perhaps it would be difficult with their bet, but he liked to consider it all apart of the healing process. Once he proved her wrong, it could give him closure. Then he would be able to move on, definitely.

 

Jack put on a poker face and finished dressing himself. He’d gotten so distracted by his introspection and later examining his less than impressive body that by the second he was done, Simon had begun knocking.

 

Rushing down the stairs, Jack became face to face with Simon, and immediately his blank expression was transformed into excitement.

 

“Goodbye, Sam!” Jack said, walking towards the door.

 

“Remember what I said!” Sam replied.

 

“Will do!” And with that, they were out the door.

 

“Your car is really cool,” Jack said as they entered it.

 

“Well, it’s my mom’s but she doesn’t work so I get to use it a lot,” Simon replied as he turned up the heat.

 

“I don’t know if I’d be a good driver. I’m too scared of running over someone,” Jack said.

 

Simon chuckled, “It’s pretty easy not to murder people in one of these death machines, surprisingly. The steering wheel isn’t that sensitive. I did get lost a lot at first. It never occured to me that I have a GPS in my phone for the longest time.”

 

“I got lost trying to walk to a nearby store. Didn’t occur to me to use GPS to find neither the store or home, so either we’re both weird or it’s common,” Jack replied.

 

It shocked Jack how plain easy it was to talk to Simon. Looking back, he realized a lot of his conversations with Taylor contained him trying to keep her happy, trying not to offend her, getting hurt by her remarks but hiding it. 

 

He’d thought it was normal.

 

Maybe, just maybe, its normal or at least expected not to feel such bad feelings with the people you spend your time with.

 

Crazy, huh?

 

Once they approached Simon’s house, Jack was amazed at the landscaping. Beautiful flowers, trees, and bushes were everywhere. “Your mother gardens as well?” Jack inquired, as they left the car.

 

“My dad, actually. He tried to get me into it but I couldn’t stand getting my hands dirty,” Simon replied whilst they walked in.

 

It wasn’t a big house, but it was minimalistic and clean. Family portraits decorated the walls in what Jack assumed to be chronological order. Pictures of a mother and father and a baby that clearly wasn’t Simon. That baby grew into a toddler, but the pictures seemed to stop until a photo of Simon at around five or six, then onwards.

 

Jack is reminded of the family’s loss, so he quickly turns away and complements the soft carpet.

 

“Hey Mom, Jack and I are here,” Simon said, shaking his jacket off.

 

Jack heard a soft woman’s voice coming from what he presumed to be the bathroom. “That’s nice, help yourself to anything, Jack”

 

“So, do you like Star Trek?” Simon asked while they walked over to his room, on the other side of the house.

 

“Never seen it, but i’d like to,” Jack replied.

 

Simon gasped, “Are you kidding me!? That’s a damn travesty. Eighteen years of life without any Star Trek.”

 

Jack giggled, deepening his voice for his awful impression, “Dean says I can’t watch it because ‘This is a Star Wars only household! We don’t tolerate diplomacy, only huge hairy animals with bazookas!’” 

 

Simon pretended to be offended. “I can’t believe I was forced to hear those words, even as an impression. I only forgive him for that slanderous opinion because he houses a cute boy like you.”

 

Jack blushed as they entered the room, but froze when he saw what Simon was doing.

 

Closing the door.

 

Jack quickly launched his entire body between the door and the wall, looking up to Simon’s confused face.

 

“...Is there a problem..?” Simon asked.

 

“Sam says if you close the door I have to leave! Don’t do it, I want to stay!” Jack blurted in quick succession.

 

Simon’s face morphed from confusion into laughter, holding his stomach.

 

Once he controlled his amusement, he turned to Jack.

 

“I’m not a pervert! I wasn’t going to try anything, I swear, I just wanted us to be able to hear the TV over my mom’s opera! I’m not that kind of guy,” He said, giggling once again.

 

It was only then that Jack made a realization. “Pervert?-...ohhh, that’s why he wanted me to keep the door open.”

 

“You didn’t realize? You’re hilarious. Now that that’s sorted, I can get Netflix set up,” Simon replied, leaving the door halfway open.

 

Jack blushed, feeling embarrassed, but nonetheless sat down on Simon’s bed with him while he picked out a good episode of TNG to start out with. Simon settled on “The Most Toys”, figuring Jack would enjoy the character Data.

 

“Why did they hurt him?!” Jack exclaimed, in response to the first few seconds of the episode being Data rendered unconscious.

 

“Someone the crew was trading supplies with wants to steal him, to study his technology,”  Simon explained.

 

Jack remained silent, until the scene changed. It was the crew on the starship, watching Data fly the shuttle back towards them. But it exploded.

 

“He just died!” Jack screamed.

 

Simon chuckled. “No, don’t worry. That was a decoy ship. They knocked Data unconscious, brought them over to their ship, and sent out an empty shuttle so they think Data’s dead.”

 

Jack looked disgusted. “Who would do something like that?”

 

“You’ll see,” Simon replied.

 

The crew looked shocked, trying to figure out what happened. Once reality set in, and his death was confirmed, they looked on the brink of tears. The Captain made his daily audio log, expressing great sorrow for their friend’s death.

 

“The blind one looks crushed,” Jack noticed.

 

“That’s Geordi La Forge. Data’s best friend. I always thought there was gay subtext, though. Daforge forever,” Simon explained.

 

The scene eventually changed to Data waking up, confused, on the different ship. Until a strange man approached him, gawking at his identicalness to a human.

 

_ “Where am I? Why did you bring me here?” Data inquired. _

 

_ “He speaks so elegantly! Amazing! The detail, the inflection..” The man marveled. _

 

_ “I want an answer to my question,” Data said. _

 

_ “It took great effort to bring you here, Android. Almost all of our primitive technology. But it was worth it. So worth it,” The man replied. _

 

_ “You have delivered me here against my wishes. I would like to know the reason,” Data persisted. _

 

_ “Certainly. You’ve been here for my appreciation and enjoyment. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Fajo.” _

 

_ “Am I to infer that you intend to keep me captive?” Data’s inhuman eyes narrowed. _

 

_ “Captive? Captive? That's such an inappropriate description. My dear android. May I call you Data?” Fajo asked. _

 

_ Data said, “It is my name.” _

 

_ Fajo smirked.  “Data. You will be catered to, fawned over, cared for as you never have been before. Your every wish will be fulfilled” _

 

_ Data stated, quite matter of factly,”I wish to leave.” _

 

_ Fajo chuckled. “Almost every wish.” _

 

_ Data stubbornly stared the man down. “This is unacceptable, sir. I have no desire to remain here and even if I did, my Starfleet duties would not allow it. I have complete and utter loyalty to my Captain and crew.” _

 

_ Fajo rolled his eyes. “It's so single minded, isn't it? Very persistent...But it's very polite, which is a very nice touch. I decline to allow you to go.” _

 

_ Data lifted his chin.  “Then I am forced to attempt escape.” _

 

Jack was in a trance. “He’s so brave. And calm.”

 

Simon smiled. “I knew you’d like him. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t love Data at first sight. There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his crew.”

 

“Does he have...feelings?” Jack inquired.

 

“No, surprisingly. But the thing that makes him a good character is that he has ambitions. Goals. Drive. Life isn’t all about emotions. His one wish in life is to be human. I guess it really gets to people, seeing someone want to be normal. To fit in. But they can’t, and will always face judgement for it.”

 

Jack took a moment, and began comparing himself to Data in his head. Unhuman. Weird. Not really good at the whole emotions thing, and the desire to be normal. He’s felt judged a lot in his short life.

 

“That’s very perceptive of you, Simon. I can see why he’s a fan favorite. I wonder how he’s gonna escape?” Jack said.

 

Simon giggled. “Ha, i’ve seen this episode hundreds of times. But I won’t tell you, hehe!”

 

Jack rolled his eyes playfully. “I don’t wanna be spoiled anyway. Don’t give anything away.” 

 

“Hmmm...maybe I will maybe I won’t...let’s just say flying turtles might get involved,” Simon smirked.

 

Jack hit him with a pillow. “I said no spoilers!”

 

Simon rolled his head back laughing. “I was kidding! There’s no flying turtles!”

 

“Oh”

 

They watched the rest of the episode, Simon filling in context when needed, and answering Jack’s many questions. They naturally ended up scooting closer together on the bed over time, arms and legs touching lightly.

 

Simon slowly inched his hand closer to Jack’s, and carefully interlocked their fingers, watching his face. To his happiness, Jack only looked down and smiled.

 

When it ended, Simon turned his body to face Jack, still holding his hand, and Jack turned around too.

 

“So, what did you think!?” Simon said, excited to have introduced him to the series.

 

“I loved it a lot. Way more than Star Wars, but don’t tell Dean. As a matter of fact, don’t ever be in a situation where you have to talk to him. I’d be scared for you,”  Jack giggled.

 

“Aw yiss, converted, baby! Welcome to the cult, you can never come out….Ever…” Simon said ominously, inching his face closer to Jack creepily, but busting out laughing.

 

“You can’t be scary. You’re too excited and happy all the time, like a puppy,” Jack mused.

 

“I so can be scary! What if I did….This!” Simon said, making a bad attempt at an evil face, then slowly getting closer to Jack before he lightly pushed him to the headboard, staring at him. “I am the one and only dark lord, ready to feast upon your soul and spread your blood across my stolen empire,” Simon growled, hiding his laughter. Once again, horribly.

 

Jack was unphased. He’d seen Satan before. Literally. Hung out with him for awhile. Nothing but vegetables that come with the dressing already poured on and can’t be completely cleaned off scare him now.

 

“The only thing you staring at me makes me feel is the urge to kiss you.” Jack deadpanned, but instantly felt shy after he said it.

 

Simon’s face instantly changed to a bashful smile, hesitating before cupping Jack’s face and bringing their lips together. Jack put his arm around his neck, pulling them even closer together.

 

Jack felt Simon’s tongue tentatively brush against his bottom lip. He’s never kissed anyone before Simon at the park, but he decided to hesitantly reciprocate, hoping that he’s as good of a kisser as Simon.

 

Eventually, his tongue was in Jack’s freaking mouth, and for some reason, it felt good. Really good. You don’t notice how sensitive your mouth is when you’re chewing food, or in his case, drinking water. Jack followed Simon’s lead, never doing anything he hadn’t done first. 

 

An underrated part of a kiss is everything that has nothing to do with your lips. Like how Simon will pet his hair, or how Jack will run his hand down Simon’s arm. And how both their hearts are beating out of their chests and deciding that breathing is a non-issue.

 

Eventually, Simon has to reluctantly breaks the kiss to catch his breath, panting, leaving Jack wanting more. He typically breathes like a normal human, but in a situation where he has to, or wants to, an Archangel nephilim could hold it for extremely long periods of time.

 

Jack takes this moment to admire Simon’s swollen lips, red cheekbones, and ear-to-ear smile. He assumes he looks just as flushed. Jack leaned forward, giving him a chaste peck, and leaning back.

 

“So, next episode? Or are you all trekked out?” Simon asked.

 

“Are you kidding? I want to watch every episode!” Jack exclaimed, suddenly putting the kiss on the backburner of his mind, now interested in learning more about the characters.

 

Simon put the laptop on Jack’s lap. “Here, you probably wanna pick one that interests you, since I did the last one. I’d avoid season one, it’s kind of boring. And season seven will leave you feeling pretty lost until you’ve watched a few more episodes.”

 

He chose “Measure Of A Man”, yet another Data-centric one. Apparently it was about him fighting for human rights, specifically, not to be dismantled and studied by an institute. 

 

“Good choice, good choice. That made it into my top ten. You might cry, but don’t worry, you have a manly man like me to comfort you,” Simon joked, holding up finger guns while Jack chuckled and snuggled in closer, letting Simon snake his arm around him. Eventually their bodies were so closely knit together it was like they were one person.

 

While they watched the show, Jack could only put maybe 50% focus in. The feeling of being close to Simon felt so safe. Jack had never felt this type of comfort. Team Free Will wasn’t the touchy-feely type, and no family cuddles like this. He could forget his problems, compartmentalize his worries.

 

Someone having that power over his state of mind was almost scary. Because if he decided he didn’t want to see Jack anymore, he risked never feeling that way again. But, honestly, Jack would rather have him temporarily than not at all.

 

“You’re awesome,” Jack mumbled, randomly.

 

Simon chuckled. “Thank you, Jack. You’re awesome-er, though. Going against your ‘Star-Wars-Only family’ for me. We’re like Romeo and Juliet. What would they say if they found out about your trekkie illicit lover? The drama…”

 

Jack snorted.

 

After another episode after that, Jack really was trekked out. And his leg was asleep, so there’s that. Although giving up cuddling with Simon was difficult. He almost considered letting his leg fall off.

 

They were now standing in front of double doors, Simon promising Jack he’s about to be amazed. On the count of three, he opened it.

 

Jack opened his eyes wide in surprise, and almost started drooling. There were presumably hundreds of skeins of yarn, all organized to perfection. All different kinds of needles and and accents.

 

“You’ve made my dreams come true just by letting me gaze upon this perfection,” Jack said, stroking the yarns.

 

“Yup. I’m torn between thinking it’s badass, or that I have a problem. Both, I guess. Anyway’s, pick out whatever you want. I’m drowning in yarn. I don’t need it,”  Simon said, offhandedly.

 

Jack’s jaw dropped. “You’re serious?”

 

“I wouldn’t lie to you about something as serious as yarn. Yup, you could take half of it if you wanted to. I’ve been trying to use it up to make room for some newer ones,” Simon replied.

 

Jack spotted a thick, ombre yarn near the top. Perfect for a bulky hat, or a winter coat. He grabbed it with a smile.

 

“One skein? Really, don’t cheat yourself. I hear you say all the time how you never have enough yarn, or the right yarn. Save me from having to make 500 scarves,” Simon said.

 

Jack hesitantly grabbed a few more that caught his eye after Simon kept encouraging him.

 

Jack tried to hug him, but it was impossible with his arms bursting with balls of yarn.

 

“Don’t thank me yet, I’m about to challenge you to a duel,” Simon said, ominously.

 

“...What?” Jack asked, confused.

 

“Whoever can knit a 10x10 stitch square first wins. Are you up for it?” Simon asked with a smirk.

 

“I do those in my sleep! I’ll destroy you,” Jack taunted.

 

“Okay, then,” Simon sing-songed, grabbing two sets of knitting needles. “Let’s put that to the test.”

 

He grabbed two identical skeins, and unravelled them equally, giving both of them time to sit down and ready their hand positions.

 

“One..two..three...go!” Simon shouted, furiously putting on his slipknot and stitching so fast his hands were nothing but a blur. But Jack was fairing just as well, showing off by not even looking at his work, instead sticking his tongue out at Simon, which was comically reciprocated.

 

You didn’t think knitting could be intense? Well buckaroo, ding dong you were wrong. When Simon messed up his purl stitch, the whole thing basically went up in flames of trash-talk and furious hand movements. Jack could feel beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. This was more exhausting than his exercise regimen. He’s pretty sure he just dropped another few pounds. 1000-calorie-workouts paled in comparison

 

Jack could feel victory slithering closer to him. He had one row left, and Simon had about one and a half. It was obvious, though Simon didn’t want to believe it. His reputation was about to be flying out the window and getting pissed on by the neighbors dog. 

 

With fire hot hands, Jack completed his last stitch, throwing his hands in the air. “OH YEAH!”

 

“Fluke! You only got it cause I messed up,” Simon pouted.

 

“That’s kind of how losing works,” Jack said..

 

He loved how free he felt to joke around with Simon, make these friendly jabs at each other. It felt like experiencing his first friendship, he got to make out with him as well. Score.

 

“It’s all cause of your cute face. How can I focus when you’re a foot away from me? It’s impossible! You look like a God and an innocent angel at the same time!” Simon whined.

 

Jack hid his red face behind his knitwork. “You’re just saying that.”

 

“Nuh uh, I don’t say untrue things. I’m too cool and awesome to do that,” Simon said, flipping his hair.

 

Jack snorted, “You are cool and awesome. You’re an amazing guy. I really like you,” 

 

Jack looked at the clock, realizing the time. “I should probably be leaving soon. I don’t want to overstay my welcome. And Sam probably thinks you murdered me.”

 

Simon laughed. “Fair enough, I’ll drive you home. Just lemme get your skeins in my backpack so they don’t fall on the ground.”

 

Jack smiled, and once Simon approached the doorway, he stopped him with a kiss, knowing it might be their last today.

 

Once they pulled back, Simon said, “You’re making it really hard to let you go, you know that?” they laughed, and made their way to the car.

 

The drive to the bunker was inconsequential, they jammed out to some kpop for the short trip and found themselves at the doorway in no time.

 

“Goodbye, Jack~” 

 

“Goodbye, Simon~”

 

They kissed with Jack leaning against the door, and left reluctantly.

 

Jack couldn’t get enough of him. He had to keep reminding himself not to get attached, but it was just too hard. Simon was perfect, not in the picture-perfect ken doll way, but in the lovable stupidly attractive nerd way. He can’t really describe it.

 

All he knows is he has a huge crush on him. And it’s reciprocated. And it’s freaking great.

 

It makes him less depressed when he sneakily throws away his food and weighs himself a million times a day. It doesn’t change his reality, though. Not by a mile.

 

If Simon were to find out...It would be chaos. He’d find a way to tell his parents, he’d be forced to eat- Jack shuddered. It’s his number one priority to keep this secret. Friends, family, love interests...they wouldn’t understand. They’d get in the way.

 

Jack will never stop striving for perfection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forcing my readers to indulge my obsession with Star Trek, I AM UNASHAMED


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack has a terrifying experience due to his behavior.

Jack nervously stepped on the scale for the first time that morning. It was the day he and Taylor had agreed on to be weigh-in-day, and if he hadn’t lost at least as much as her, he might as well slit the grace from his throat and fling himself into a bed of smashed glass.

 

_ 139.0 _

 

He nearly lost his balance from the shock. He was in the 130’s. Jack stepped on the scale six more times to make sure it was accurate, and pumped his fist in the air with excitement. Beat that, Taylor. He knows she only loses 2-3 pounds a week due to her short stature making her burn less calories a day.

 

He stepped on it once again, for the eighth time total, but now snapping a picture with his smartphone.

 

**_jack_ **

_ what was that about me losing?  _

 

He saw the chat bubbles disappear and reemerge for ten minutes straight, until she finally replied.

 

**_taylor_ **

**_*img attached*_ **

_ big whoop. you lost like, five pounds this week? it’s only because you’re a boy. I put in 10x the work you did. this race isn’t about speed, it’s about willpower. The only thing I’ve put in my body is fucking water this week and you’ve probably been eating three meals. you’ll never last the challenge. _

 

Jack looked at the photo she sent, seeing she’d lost four pounds. She must be pushing herself hard, he thought. Some part of him actually felt worried. Taylor’s been known to have dizzy spells, like anyone would on their diet. But she has them even more than he does.

 

Whatever. She made a choice. She has all her other perfect friends to dote on her.

 

Jack was glad she never showed her face at club anymore. Simon was going to kick her out, but apparently she got the message that a gay club leader wouldn’t allow a homophobe. Everyone was pretty shocked to find out that that stud was gay, but no one else cared.

 

He wanted to see Simon so bad. And he was going to, at club today. But Jack wanted to be around him all the time. He’d heard young infatuation was mind blowing and dramatic, but nothing had prepared him for every waking thought to be about a guy’s eyes. 

 

It nearly rivaled his fixation over food.

 

Speaking of which, it was about time for breakfast. 1 cup of low cal soup, washed down with a bottle of water. It’s easy to start eating differently, try something healthy in front of people, feign amazement over how delicious it is. No one questions you then. It’s all about lying. His entire life is about lies. About who he is. Why not add food into the list of lies?

 

Before every meal, he listens to inspirational music. Well, inspiration for him. To make sure he doesn’t give in to sugary cereal, or the dreaded snack drawer. All he needs is to listen to those romanticizing voices and food disgusts him.

 

_ i’m gonna shed me some skin, get me real, real slim _

_ i want to feel my bones on your bones, baby _

_ i am a teenage drama queen _

_ i throw my guts up for self-esteem _

_ it haunts my dreams _

 

_ every boy wants a body to die for _

_ and every girl who’s thin is his rival _

_ i wish i had a body to die for _

_ skinny is sexy _

_ sweet anorexia _

_ skinny is sexy _

_ big isn’t beautiful _

 

It was one of the few songs sung and about a man, by a man. It fit him perfectly, and was oh so comforting. There were so many others like him in this regard. What’s one more damaged person trying to fix themselves?

 

Jack flips through his journal while he listens, focusing on his favorite, dog-eared page. It’s the most important one, the one where he officially pledged himself to Ana. Taylor has one just like it.

  
  


 

  * _**_I believe in_** _Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.__


  * **_I believe that_** _I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention._


  * **_I believe that_** _other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do._


  * **_I believe in_** _oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behaviour._


  * **_I believe in_** _perfection and strive to attain it._


  * **_I believe in_** _salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday._


  * **_I believe in_** _calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly._


  * **_I believe in_** _bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures._


  * **_I believe in_** _hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it._


  * **_I believe in_** _a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting._


  * **_Amen_**



 

 

Jack shivered as he mouthed the words over and over, letting the hug of truth envelop him. They give him strength and motivation. They give him purpose and worthiness to walk on earthly ground. They are his punishment and his reward, his lost and found, his only hope.

 

And so he walks head held high to the kitchen, trying just a bit harder than he did yesterday. naming perfection and striving to attain it.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

The entire day, Jack had gotten more and more cold. He’s wearing more layers than he can count, plus a thick blanket. There’s nothing wrong with the heating; everyone else is practically in summer clothing.

 

Something else begins to stand out, a sort of stinging in his thighs and wrists, pulsing uncomfortably. No way he was removing all those layers to inspect himself, though. Jack’s teeth were chattering, something he’d only ever seen in cartoons.

 

He decided all he needed was a hot shower. Warm up, get his blood pumping right. Followers of Ana got cold all the time, no big deal. 

 

He avoids the mirror, like always. Rushed and freezing, he starts with his shirts and shrugs off his loose pants with his feet. He jumps in the shower and fumbles with the hot water knob, breathing a sigh of relief when he felt the hot water.

 

Then he looked down.

 

It shocked him, nearly making him slip on the smooth dripping surface. His veins had ballooned up and became starkly visible. They were purple and touching them left him sore. Jack quickly looked at his arms, finding his wrists in a similar, but less severe state. 

 

The worst was his hands. He’d been wearing mittens before, but everything was exposed now. They weren’t just purple, his fingertips were dark blue, traveling down his knuckles. 

 

He breathed in shakily. It’s fine. He’s just cold. Blood isn’t travelling to his body quite right. It’ll be okay in just a couple minutes.

 

There was no cold water in the mix, just boiling hot rushing down his body. But his skin didn’t get red or warm. It stayed a disturbing purple grey. And he was still shivering.

 

C’mon, he thought, desperately. Crap. He began seeing black spots pool his vision, so he sat down carefully. A bath would help more, right? Jack plugged the drain and hot water was slowly rising. He shuts his eyes tightly for a few moments, then frantically looks to see if his skin is regaining color. 

 

The black spots in his vision keep returning. They’ve only ever done that when he’s standing. He lays back as if he was in bed, getting as much of his body under the water as possible. He’s starting to feel less cold.

 

With tightly clamped eyes, he stays like this for ten minutes. Buried under the water with only his nose free. He rubs his hands over his arms and legs and he really does start to feel better. Slowly. He practices breathing deeply, letting oxygen travel to all his organs and body parts. He does almost everything he can.

 

But not once does he call for help.

 

When he opens his eyes, his skin has finally taken on a red tinge, and the purple has faded. He isn’t shivering, nor having trouble breathing.

 

It turned out fine.

 

So why does he feel so horrible and wrong inside?

 

He gets out of the tub, drys himself off briskly, and gets dressed. But Jack starts to feel cold again. And he’s so scared, because he’s completely alone in this. He has no one to talk to or to ask for help. He doesn’t know how dangerous it is, or what he should do to make sure it never happens again.

 

So he decides to make a sandwich.

 

And it’s so pathetic, how scared and on the brink of tears he is at the possibility of eating something with more mass than a stupid cup of soup. And it’s also pathetic that he’s giving in so early into the competition.

 

But since when did that become more important than staying alive?

 

Before Jack can decide otherwise, he struts to the kitchen and whips out two slices of white bread, peanut butter, and jam. He’s almost disassociating when he puts it all together and starts shoving it in his mouth, barely taking a breath in between bites. He hasn’t eaten something of this mass in who knows how long.

 

In less than thirty seconds, its gone. 

 

He’s still under his calorie limit, but by less than a hundred. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s not fine.

 

Jack washes the dishes, and goes back upstairs.

 

He just needs to forget this incident ever happened. It’ll all be over soon.

 

Jack can’t stop just yet.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres gonna be a happy ending I PROMISE.
> 
> My intention for this fic was to create a realistic representation of anorexia. It's not just skipping meals and a boy rescuing you from yourself. It's passing out, your immune system weakening, organs barely hanging on because they don't have the nutrients they need.
> 
> It's not glory and grace. It seems like that at first, but its a disease. I hope this can spread awareness of just how serious it is. Thank you.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting harder and harder to hide his behavior. Sometimes, it feels like it's all going to come out whether he wants it or not.

When Jack thought of dates in the year, a weight was attached to it. Every time. For example, it was two weeks later, 130. Only four pounds lost per week. He still remained ahead of Taylor, his weight loss being 14 lbs compared to her 11.

 

Admittedly, he’s been less focused on weight loss. Jack was so good at dropping pounds, he could go about his day on autopilot and still lose. It still felt like a betrayal when every single one of his thoughts wasn’t perfecting his body. His life was just so complicated now.

 

All thanks to Simon Zachary, but Jack can’t say he doesn’t like the distraction.

 

Speaking of which, he’s currently lounging on Simon’s bed, waiting for him to return with his laptop charger he’d forgotten in the living room.

 

Simon poked his head through the doorway, holding a charger and a….bag of chips?

 

“Got the charger and bonus; the literal best chips by anyone’s standards. Sour cream and onion, with ruffles. I’d cut off my legs to make every food taste like this,” Simon said, scooting next to Jack and offering him the bag.

 

“Oh, no thanks, I uh, don’t really like that kind,” Jack stammered.

 

“No way! Don’t believe it...wait…” Simon suddenly got closer and closer, nose to nose with Jack. “You’re secretly an alien, aren’t you? Knew it. You like Star Trek too much to be a normal nerd.”

 

Jack rolled his eyes. “I think the rest of the world are the weird ones. Why would I want to taste sour onions?” He shivered comically.

 

In reality, he lived for those chips, but they’re like 150 calories for ten chips. That’s a whole day’s worth of food and it’s not even filling!

 

Simon popped one in his mouth, starting to grin mischievously, “Maybe you just need a less flavor-intense version.”

 

He lightly put his hand on Jack’s shoulder, pressing their lips together softly, before pulling away.

 

Jack faked a discontent face. “Nope, still don’t like that flavor.”

 

Simon pouted, before smirking. “Guess I’ll just never have to kiss you again, then. Tragic. Potato chips are just an integral part of my life and we want different things.”

 

Jack laughed but quickly scrunched up his face like he was offended. “You would take potato chips over me? I’ll have you know I abandoned my Star Wars loyalty for you,” he said, not able to stop from giggling.

 

Simon chuckled, “Well, it all depends on whether you’re able to kiss a sour-onion mouth. Plus, I fulfilled my promise of keeping Star Trek a secret between us.”

 

Jack looked up at him, amused. “What if I’m not able to compromise my values for the second time, huh?”

 

An idea popped in Simon’s head, and he leaned closer to Jack. “I think we may be able to come up with something…”

 

“What do you m- ohh..” Simon peppered kisses down Jack’s jawline, going lower until he was parallel to his adam’s apple, nibbling and sucking slowly, trying to gauge his reaction.

 

Jack wrapped his arms around Simon’s neck, leaning backwards gradually so Simon was above him. They gently licked and pecked at eachother, each appreciating and feeling grateful for the other person.

 

“I like you,” Simon kissed along his collar, “a lot. A whole freaking lot.”

 

Jack ran his hands down his back, “I like you a whole freaking lot, too.”

 

Simon continued to suck on his neck with fervor while Jack focused on his jaw, only getting more enthusiastic when Jack would let out small noises. He ran his hand down Jack’s arm, intertwining their fingers.

 

It’d just gotten good, but they heard a faraway door shut. “I’m back from the store! Is Jack still there?”

 

Simon scrambled off of Jack, fixing his hair and opening his laptop as if they were on Netflix this whole time. Jack pulled his shirt down and crossed his arms in a “casual” pose, before they both realized she wasn’t coming up to his room. 

 

“Y-yeah,  Mom, we’ve been watching Star Trek, need any help putting the groceries away?” Simon stumbled around his words.

 

“No, I’ve got it!” They heard.

 

Jack breathed a sigh of relief, getting up from the bed and towards Simon’s mirror to see if his appearance seemed any more out of place.

 

Jack gasped when he saw his reflection.

 

“Oh my god.” Jack said, simply.

 

“What’s wrong?” Simon inquired.

 

Jack turned to him, pointing at his own neck. “This is what’s wrong! It looks like I got in a fight with a vacuum!”

 

Simon scratched his neck sheepishly. “Uhm...I didn’t mean to...do you think your scary Dads will notice?...Don’t let the one with the leather jacket see! I’m too young to die!”

 

Jack chuckled through his grimace. “I won’t let you die. How am I supposed to hide this, though?”

 

Simon lit up. “Wait, I have an idea!” He got up and ruffled through his drawers, pulling out a stylish grey knitted scarf. “Whatever you do, just don’t take it off for a couple days.”

 

Jack took the scarf, wrapping it around his neck, noticing it didn’t cover the marks closer to his jawline, and adjusting it. “Did you have to go so high? This one’s practically on my face.”

 

“Would you have preferred I went lower?” Simon asked, not missing a beat, but feeling embarrassed when he realized what he’d said.

 

Jack blushed, and fumbled with his words. “Uh, maybe, I mean.. You ever seen Jacobin Pigeons? They’re really fashionable.”

 

Simon laughed. “I don’t think any type of pigeon is fashionable, but you do you.”

 

Jack gasped. “You really have never seen them! Their feathers are like fur coats! They have the prettiest patterns. Look them up sometime!”

 

Simon chuckled. “Okay, I will,” and pulled out his phone, scooting to make room for Jack to sit next to him.

 

“Just so you know, I’m not opposed to...doing stuff...like that. Just not where my family can see,” Jack mumbled.

 

Simon grinned, but made a shocked face when his phone opened up in the camera app. “You totally gave me a hickey too!”

 

Jack tilted his head in confusion. “Where?”

 

Simon turned toward him, pointing to a spot on his neck that was ever so slightly tinged pink.

 

Jack rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right. That’s less red then if you scratched an itch. It’ll fade in five minutes.”

Simon pouted, opening Safari and googling “Jacobin Pigeon”.

  
  


“Huh. I stand corrected. Work it, pigeon. Fierce.”

 

“I wish I was that pigeon,” Jack said, longingly.

 

“You basically are. The scarf is like your feathers. Work it, Jack! Strut!” Simon laughed.

 

Jack got up comically, striking a pose before strutting across the room, swaggering and improvising dance movies.

 

“Yeah! We stan the worlds best indie model! King!” Simon shouted, doing the “make it rain” motion with his hands.

 

Jack giggled, kicking his leg up in the air, twirling around and attempting to moonwalk. It was basically just him walking backwards whilst ironically making a duckface, but Simon cheered him on as if he was Beyonce.

 

He felt his chest begin to tighten, but ignored it as he was having so much fun. He jumped around, poorly imitating popular dance moves, but the lack of air was really getting to him. He was seeing black spots in his vision, and suddenly found himself at a standstill.

 

Simon looked over in mild concern, seeing Jack suddenly stop in his tracks. Jack felt so tired and weak in that moment. He commanded his body to walk back over to the bed, but all he could do was blearily blink in a daze.

 

Hurts...Dizzy...

 

He shut his eyes, felt his knees buckle, and collapsed backwards onto the floor, just barely catching himself by his elbows.

 

“Jack! Are you okay!?” Simon rushed over to him, pulling Jack upright and looking into his eyes.

 

Jack let out a heavy breath, regaining his composure. “I’m fine I just...fell...I’m very sorry…” He mumbled.

 

“No, dude, you basically fainted! I saw it! Should I call someone?” Simon said, panicking.

 

Jack’s eyes widened, and he felt fear rush throughout his body. “No! It’s nothing, I just..” He scrambled for a lie.

 

He put on a sheepish face. “I’ve been struggling with insomnia lately, for a couple weeks. It’s not been that bad, but very recently, I haven’t gotten any sleep really for a couple days. It just got to me when I was dancing...I just need some rest.”

 

Simon rubbed his back, looking at him with concern. “You should’ve said something! You should be home getting sleep, I wouldn’t have encouraged you to dance if I’d known. I’ve had insomnia too before, I take some benadryl and it breaks the cycle. I’ll drive you home.”

 

Simon carefully pulled Jack up to his feet, relieved when he didn’t look too worse for wear. 

 

“Thanks Simon, I appreciate it. I’ll be good as new after some benadryl. You’re really nice,” Jack said.

 

“My boyfriend literally collapsed. I’m just being a decent person, no need to thank me. I just want you to be healthy,” Simon replied.

 

Jack smiled, and Simon lead him outside, and to the car.

 

Healthy.

 

Jack can’t be that for him.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

“I’m home!” Jack said, shrugging off his Jacket and heading to the kitchen to get a glass of water, spotting Dean in there as well.

 

“Thank god, you remember you live here. Thought you’d moved in with Dandelion Boy,” Dean said.

 

Jack rolled his eyes, filling up his cup at the tap. “We’ve been dating for a few weeks, he’s nice.”

 

Dean looked at him, realizing something. “He give that scarf to you?”

 

Jack blushed, remembering the events prior. “Just to borrow. I was cold.”

 

Dean squinted. “Well, it’s pretty hot in here. We have a great heating system.”

 

Jack fumbled. “Well, I’m still cold from being outside. I don’t automatically get warm.”

 

“I just think it’s interesting that you’re wearing a scarf that covers half your face, when you can barely stand things touching your neck. All your shirts are low-cut because according to you, turtlenecks came from your bio dad,” Dean interrogated.

 

“It’s a scarf, Dean. Nothing more to it. Shouldn’t you be watching that trashy hospital show that you ‘watch for the plot’?” Jack said, borrowing from his sass reservoir. 

 

Dean gasped. “Doctor Sexy is not trashy! Did your boyfriend tell you that? I told Sam he was brainwashing you against good tv. You haven’t watched Star Wars in weeks.”

 

Jack sipped from his cup, looking Dean straight in the eyes. “I prefer Star Trek.”

 

Dean blinked.

 

Jack didn’t break eye contact.

 

“Wow. Okay. That’s fine. I guess I’ll just die then,” Dean said, dramatically.

 

Jack chuckled. “I think you’ll survive me preferring the superior show.”

 

Dean got up from his chair. “I need some time to process this. I don’t care if you’re gay, blind, or god forbid a furry. But being a Star Trek fan is just something I can’t bring myself to support.”

 

Jack laughed, chugging his water while he heard Dean walk past him.

 

Until he felt his scarf quickly ripped off of him, and he spit out the water on his own shirt.

 

“Dean! What the hell!” Jack exclaimed, turning toward him.

 

Dean saw his neck. “I knew it! All boys are monsters, why can’t you just like harmless rocks or something?”

 

Jack covered his neck, internally screaming. “We kept the door open! And, you want me to like rocks? They can’t consent!”

 

Dean scrambled for a defense. “You wouldn’t need consent from a rock. You would have a loving, sexless relationship with it and go on long walks in the park!”

 

Jack looked at him, mouth agape.  "I think you had too many of the ambiguous brownies Claire sent. I’m gonna...go…” Jack said, slowly walking in the direction of his room.

 

“Wait, did you use protection? Did YOU consent? We need to have some sort of full house parental discussion about this, and then I need to kill Simon” Dean said.

 

Jack put his face in his hands, embarrassed. “We kissed. That’s it. The door was open!” And with that, he scurried off, closing the bedroom door behind him and pulling out his phone.

 

**_jack_ **

_ im quaking dean got suspicious and took off the scarf and now hes talking about me having sexless relationships with rocks and murdering you i just- _

 

**_jack_ **

_ i dont even KNOW why would u do this to me my neck is a crime scene _

 

**_simon_ **

_ wait BACK UP scary leather jacket dad THREATENED TO MURDER ME i think im the one in danger here _

 

**_jack_ **

_ u didnt have to be present for any of the interrogation he doesn't even know your address im dying of embarrassment  _

 

**_simon_ **

_ you werent complaining while i was creating the “crime scene” sooooo  _ _ ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ _

 

**_jack_ **

  
  


**_simon_ **

_ u cant fight me you’re too obsessed w/ my sick knitting moves and charisma _

  
  
  


**_jack_ **

_...fine i like you too much to fight you..._

 

**_simon_ **

_ my heart- _

  
  


**_simon_ **

_ WAIT YOU SHOULD BE SLEEPING STOP TEXTING ME AND GET DRUGGED SO YOU DONT FAINT AGAIN WTF _

 

**_simon_ **

_ I WILL PERSONALLY FIGHT YOU IF YOU DONT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF  _

 

**_jack_ **

_ i just took a heap of benadryl before i talked to dean, i’ll be asleep in 5 min dont worry about me _

 

**_simon_ **

_ do u actually think i WONT worry about you? smh i wont text you anymore so i know you’ll get sleep, sweet dreams _

 

**_jack_ **

_ goodnight :) _

 

Jack felt guilty for lying about taking benadryl, or having insomnia in the first place. But there was no way he could say the real reason.

 

Jack was malnourished. And he’d done it to himself. But it’s not a big deal, he’ll stop when he’s skinny and he loses weight so fast it’ll be over before he knows it. No one has to know. They’ll prevent him from being perfect.

 

Sometimes you have to lie for the greater good.

 

But lately...Jack wonders if it’s possible to keep up this charade. Baggy clothes can’t disguise his slimming face. There’s only so many excuses for a fainting spell.

 

Nonsense, he chides himself. Nothing is coming between him and his goal. He needs to prove himself to Taylor. He needs to prove himself to the world.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to stress that I am not embellishing here. On Jack's diet, you would barely be able to function. On just a couple days of less than 500cal, you would be dizzy constantly. Please stay safe and don't imitate these behaviors.
> 
> I hate torturing my muse like this :(


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack realizes how much anorexia prevents him from living his life, and it hurts.

Weigh-in day.

 

122.0.

 

Twenty pounds since their bet around a month ago. Forty-three since he started dieting. It all felt so surreal even as he sent a photo of the scale to Taylor. All Jack could do was stare at his blue-tinged hands and wonder how this even became his life.

 

He should be happy. Crying tears of joy. It isn’t as if he hasn’t been ecstatic before whenever he’s hit a significant milestone. It just doesn’t feel as much of a luxury or a treat now. It feels necessary. 

 

He glances at his crimson red bracelet, a pledge to Ana he’d knitted himself. Jack takes it off, examines every inch of it, and clenches it in his hands, pressing it close to his heart while he sits on the cold bedroom floor.

 

Jack wants to feel anything. Comfort. Pride. But all that resonates deep inside his soul is obligation.

 

He puts the bracelet back onto his wrist and repeats his mantras, and checks his phone that’s unsurprisingly blowing up.

 

**_taylor_ **

_ SCREW you. You LIAR. I haven’t even seen you in a month, guaranteed you’ve gained twice the amount you’ve claimed to lose _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ I hate you _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ we used to be friends. _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ I haven’t binged in my life. I hate this meaningless existence because people like you are the ones who will be happy while i’m left alone. i’d rather be alone and dead than be fat and sinful _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ i’m not playing games anymore. have a nice life, jack kline. be happy and gluttonous. i will be without baggage and without consciousness, pure and weightless. i will die an honorable death when the time comes. _

 

**_taylor_ **

_ mark my words, i will never. eat. again. _

 

Jack scoffed. She’ll have to eat sometime. He wonders if it’s some type of ploy to get him to worry over her. Taylor cares too much about herself to do a slow suicide.

 

_ That’s exactly what you’re doing _ , a voice inside himself says. It’s not true, though. He does eat. People have fasted for weeks and they’re okay. Mostly, Jack has one meal a day. It’s just extreme dieting, not the kind you die from.

 

It’s not like he’s a girl, where he’ll lose his period and become infertile. There’s nothing permanent that could go wrong with him, so what’s the harm? Dizziness is temporary. Blue fingertips fade with a scalding shower. 

 

Jack doesn’t have time to ponder. He has a date this afternoon, after all. 

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

There’s a distinct change in atmosphere that day. Maybe it’s the relief of the bet finally being over. A pleasant tension that builds in the car ride, unspoken words through every nervous smile.

 

It comes to a head when they’re in Simon’s upstairs hallway and Jack can’t stop himself from pouncing. It should be law that Simon can’t wear a V-neck button up paired with tight Capri-jeans and expect him to keep his hands to himself.

Simon gasps against his lips when Jack presses them together, softly tugging Simon’s shirt to make the space between them closer, Jack pressed up against the bedroom door and Simon leaning down to meet his shorter height.

 

Jack fumbles to open the door, eyes closed and facing the opposite direction. Once the door extended and they entered the room, he broke the kiss and closed the door.

 

“Wait, I thought you were supposed to keep the door open?” Simon tilts his head.

 

“Do you want me to keep the door open? I can do that,” Jack asks.

 

Simon may be more experienced and chill, having technically lived over a decade longer than he has, but Jack still needs to be mindful of consent.

 

“No,” Simon responds, honestly.

 

“Great,” And with that, he captures his mouth once more, slowly maneuvering him to the well-made bed, trying to be smooth and graceful. 

 

It’s kind of awkward and hard considering their height difference, but it works.

 

Having the privilege to kiss and touch him was a blessing from heaven to Jack. Well, maybe not from heaven, a lot of the people..entities? up there, tend to suck. It was weird being so compelled by someone. It’s so foreign and he never wants to go back.

 

Jack explores his biceps and torso through his shirt, and makes the bold move of starting to unbutton it, pausing at the first one to test his reaction.

 

“You okay with this?” Jack asked, softly.

 

Simon nodded profusely.

 

He then proceeding with the rest. He opens his eyes and hovers over, taking in the sight while Simon looks in suspense.

 

Jack is slow and steady. It’s like he’s on cloud nine and nothing could go wrong. He kisses along his collarbone, and feels Simon’s nails dig into his back, through the stitches of his knitted sweater, causing him to shiver.

 

The knitted sweater that first sparked his deadly obsession

 

The knitted sweater that Simon starts to pull on the ends, inching it up, starting to expose Jack’s bare skin. And Jack becomes terribly aware of his own flesh and bone. Before, all he could focus on was Simon, but he didn’t seem to have planned that it would be reciprocated.

 

He’s on top of him, and Jack curses gravity. His stomach will be sticking out ten times more than if he was laying down. He could suck in, clench his tummy tight, and maybe be convincing enough that Simon wouldn’t be grossed out.

 

Jack’s breath is caught in his throat, and panic bubbles in his chest. He’s too big and disgusting. He’s never felt so massive and awkward, like an animal in the zoo, a fish out of water. He can’t do this. He can’t do this. He can’t-

 

Simon pulls his shirt up as far as he can, and reaches his hand up, slowly caresses his bare stomach. Jack can’t take it. As a reflex, he gasps and pushes himself off of Simon.

 

Jack’s leaning over the edge of the bed, head in his hands, shaking and mumbling reprimands to himself.

 

Simon is shocked, and slowly gets up from his horizontal position, tentatively placing a hand on Jack’s shoulder.

 

“Did I do something wrong? I should’ve asked like you did, I know you’ve never dated before...there’s no pressure, okay?” Simon whispers softly, trying to see Jack’s expression.

 

Jack hides his face. “It’s not you. I should be sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s not your fault, but you were gonna see me- I’m so scared, all the time, that you’re gonna realize that I’m not good enough for you. I’m not. I hate the way I look.”

 

Simon looks taken aback. “What are you talking about? You have the face of a model and the body of a twig. A hot twig. I mean- You’re amazingly gorgeous, I realized that the moment I saw you. Seeing you shirtless won’t change that, it’s no different than seeing you in a tight shirt, except I can see your belly button. And belly buttons can’t be ugly,” He rambles, rubbing his back.

 

Jack looks up at him. “How do I know you’re not just saying that?”

 

“I think lots of people are unattractive and I’m not afraid to say it! Like, Jack Black. Ugly,” Simon says, hoping to lighten the mood.

 

“Would you say it to his face?” Jack says, challenging him.

 

“Well, no. But I wouldn’t make out with him all the time and be forced to take a billion cold showers a day just from seeing him in tight jeans at knitting club. Guess who takes that trophy? You,” Simon retorts.

 

Jack lets out a croaky laugh, a blush coating his cheeks.

 

“Look, Jack…” Simon pauses, looking at him emotionally. “I really, really, like you. You make me happy and that’s not solely because of your amazing personality. I want to erase your doubts and prove that to you...if you’ll let me.”

 

“I really, really like you too. You’re cute, beautiful, and amazing and kind...I…” Jack trails off.

 

Simon lightly takes hold of the end of his sweater, looking for permission. Jack nods, remaining nervous. He slowly lifts it above his head, and Jack shuts his eyes tightly.

 

“Well, would you look at that. You’re beautiful here,” Simon traces a hand along his collarbone, “Beautiful here,” a soft caress along his rib cage, “And beautiful here,” He strokes his stomach, and kisses along his shoulders.

 

He lays Jack down on the bed, now in opposite positions than they were before this all started. “Beautiful  _ everywhere. _ Not that I’m surprised,” Simon whispers, kissing his neck, making sure to stay where hickeys would be covered up by a shirt.

 

Jack nearly cries again from the emotions he feels, from nerves to relief, to doubt and trust.

 

He wonders how different this would be if he wasn’t so addicted to losing weight. How much easier it would’ve been to allow himself to be vulnerable. He contemplates if he’d still be sucking his stomach in right now, still not completely able to give himself completely.

 

It hurts, to be so unconditionally appreciated, treated so well, but Jack can’t allow himself let all his darker thoughts melt away with a simple touch. He lets it happen, it feels amazing, and Jack really likes Simon.

 

Really, really likes him. Like, whenever he’s around, Jack can’t breathe. He’s had a lot of shortness of breath, but none of the good kind. Until Simon came into his life.

 

They get each other. They tell jokes, they make one another happy, and when they’re together it’s so seamlessly amazing. 

 

It’s beautiful, its great.. but his disorder still remains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is getting close to being all published...I can't believe it.
> 
> I feel so weird knowing what's going to happen next chapter, and then what's going to happen in the end. I hope it ends up satisfying for everyone who reads it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shocking tragedy causes a wake-up call for Jack.

When Jack walks downstairs that morning, almost a month later, he’s surprised to see all three of his family members sat down on the couch, looking disheveled. It’s even more disconcerting when they jump to look at him when he makes his presence known.

 

Nevertheless, he goes about his business of grabbing the knitting project he’d left discarded that night, glancing at his father's’ with confusion periodically.

 

“Jack, we’d like to discuss something with you. Please sit down,” Castiel motions.

 

Jack pauses, looking like a deer in the headlights. What did they find? His food journal? His disturbingly thinspiration filled internet history? It’s almost comical that he’s mentally begging that they only found some shirtless pictures of Simon, when with normal people, that’d be the worst scenario.

 

He sits down tentatively, looking up at them without words.

 

“We got some news earlier, and we know it’ll be really hard to hear. We’re here for you. You’ll get through this, trust me,” Sam said.

 

“What’s going on?” Jack asks, getting even more worried than he was.

 

“I know you two had a falling out, but she was your best friend for a long time, and it’s natural to feel hurt by this, and confused-” Dean starts, before Jack cuts him off.

 

“Just tell me!” He shouts, heart pounding in his chest.

 

“Jack...Taylor passed away from heart failure last night,” Castiel says.

 

With those words, it’s like something breaks inside of him. A switch is flipped. So many thoughts are swarming through his head, yet at the same time, Jack feels comatose.

 

“That’s not...that’s not possible. She’s only sixteen. You’ve made a mistake. She just made it up, probably. She loves attention. It’s just a joke. It has to be. I-I-” Jack’s chest tightens, and he struggles to catch his breath.

 

“It’s hard to understand, we know. But it’s true.” Dean said.

 

“How can you explain something like that! It’s not right!” Jack yells, getting up from his seat.

 

She was never supposed to die. She was Taylor, for Christ’s sake. Nothing got to her, nothing broke her. Taylor and dead didn’t fit in the same sentence. She was too headstrong and defensive. It’s a lie. Jack knows it.

 

“Her heart rate got too low and her body couldn’t handle it. She was very underweight, and the doctor’s are almost certain it was due to her anorexia,” Sam said.

 

Jack freezes in his stride, and he has to hold onto the table as not to fall. He feels the wetness from the teardrops on his shirt, but it’s like his face has gone numb.

 

“I knew,” He whispers, unintelligible.

 

“What?” Dean inquired.

 

“I knew!” Jack spat out, burrowing his face in his hands.

 

He turned to their shocked faces, looking them dead in the eyes.

 

“I knew that she was anorexic! She talked about it all the time, and I didn’t even think it was wrong! Her last text to me was saying she didn’t care about death, and I thought she was bluffing! I was too mad and petty to realize she was dying!” Jack screams with pain in every word.

 

Sam rose from the couch and slowly approached Jack, reaching to put his hand on his shoulder. “It’s not your fault-”

 

“It is!” Jack pulled away, wiping his eyes. “I was too absorbed in my own crap to look at it through the lens of a normal person. I supported her slow death! I should have saved her! Any normal person would save her, no matter our issues! I didn’t know something so glamorous could end like this!”

 

“Jack, we can talk about this. You just need to calm down. What are you trying to say?” Dean said.

 

“I can’t do this,” Jack croaked out, looking around his surroundings hysterically. “It’s all going wrong. I can’t. I can’t!” He bellowed.

 

Jack turned on his heal and rushed towards the door.

 

“Jack, where are you going?!” Castiel said, chasing after him.

 

“Don’t follow me! Don’t act like you can help! Nothing can fix this, I need to get out of here. I need to leave,” Jack said with desperation.

 

“We’re not letting you go to God knows where. You just need to process this,” Dean said, authoritatively. 

 

Jack gritted his teeth and tried to make the hot tears stop. “I can’t be here. I want to be alone. I will teleport if it comes to that,” He said, hoarsely.

 

Without another word, Jack stormed off, running as fast as he possibly could. In his disoriented mind, it felt like if he just ran faster, he could escape the screaming voices in his mind, the crushing of his heart.

 

How could he be so stupid? To think everything would be okay? It would all work out one day, and life would be happy. Everything about that cult was glamorous and seductive, right? What a joke.

 

All he needed was to try harder, push himself more, and he would be content. There was no content. There was no sparkling joy and inspirational story.

 

It felt like a game. It was a game to Jack. But he’d played with fire, and gotten surprised when he was burned. He wasn’t even burned, when he was the one who deserved it most. 

 

Jack was a fool. He’s always been a fool. With everything. And, not for the first time, it’d been deadly. Did he even deserve to grieve? Was he even grieving? Or was it a selfish realization about himself. He was using her death as a warning, an excuse.

 

It felt like hours, but It could’ve been minutes, when he saw Simon’s distinct house in the distance. Like a moth to flame, he instinctively rushes over, panting and coughing, briefly losing the stamina to stand at the doorstep. He rings the doorbell repeatedly and barks out cries.

 

Simon opens the door, facing the other way, sipping water. In milliseconds, his demeanor entirely changed when he turned to see Jack in his current state.

 

“Jack! What happened?” He asked worriedly, checking for physical injuries.

 

“She’s dead, Simon,” Jack spoke ever so quietly, allowing the words to wash over him, finally letting them sink in.

 

Simon tilted his head with concerned confusion.

 

“Taylor died last night,” Jack says, before he can ask.

 

Simon let out a genuine gasp, leading Jack to the sofa, putting a comforting hand on his back. “S-she’s dead? How?”

 

Jack looked blankly, staring into space. “Anorexia,” He croaks.

 

Simon put his face in his hand, breathing an emotional, heavy sigh. “I’m so sorry, Jack. You cared about her for so long, that never goes away. I can’t imagine how you feel right now.”

 

He wraps Jack in a tight hug, letting him bury his red face into his shoulder.

 

Jack shakes, and doesn’t even think before spilling out his long kept secret.

 

“I was doing it too.” He mumbles so shakily.

 

“What?” Simon says, perplexed.

 

“We went on that diet together. Now she’s dead. I don’t want to d-die..” He cries.

 

Simon pulls away in shock, wondering if he heard him right, holding onto hope that he’s mistaken.

 

“What are you talking about?” He whispers.

 

There’s no going back, now. Jack has to accept his life for what it is. “She told me she was only eating one meal a day and told me to do it to. I’ve been doing it for months, she’s...she was- doing it for even longer. I didn’t know it could g-go wrong like this…” Jack said, looking up toward him.

 

“That’s why you were insecure. Fuck! I’m such an idiot. I thought you were talking about being too scrawny, like my other guy friends. I thought you wanted abs, or something. I-I had no idea...How could you do something like that? Why?” Simon asked, feeling helpless.

 

“I wanted to be perfect, Simon! And I wasn’t! She made me realize that. I wouldn’t have done it If I’d known the danger!” Jack cried out, clutching his stomach, trying to get his breathing under control.

 

“How the hell could she do that to you!? You were skinny then! You’re like a stick now! I’m so fucking stupid to think it was natural, out of your control. W-when you fainted? It’s so obvious now….That bitch!” Simon growls, clenching his fists.

 

Jack looks down and silently lets shame wash over him and deepen the pit in his shrunken stomach. “I’m sorry…” 

 

Simon turns to face him, feeling guilty for not masking his anger better. “You’re sick, Jack. That’s not your fault. But you need to tell your family, now. You need help. I can’t save you from this, and you can’t save yourself. You need to be treated.”

 

Jack looks at him in fear, backing away. “They’ll be disappointed in me. I can’t tell them. They’ll make me eat more than I’m ready to. I can get better! I can! On my own terms!”

 

Simon grabs his hand, trying desperately to get through to him. “If you don’t tell them, I will. I refuse to let you have the same fate Taylor did. The only way you can be cured is by a doctor. I can’t let this go on, because I love you.”

 

Jack sobs, “I-I can’t! Please don’t do this to me! I can’t eat!”

 

“If you don’t eat...you’re gonna die,” Simon cemented.

 

Jack remains stubborn.

 

“Would you rather they hear it from me, or you?” Simon asked.

 

Jack sniffed, cursing his reasoning, cursing himself for giving himself away. “I’ll tell them, okay?..”

 

“I’ll drive you there now,” Simon says, adamantly.

 

Jack puts up little fight when he’s lead to the car, and neither of them can find the courage to say anything during the drive.

 

It hits him, when they arrive at the bunker. His life is about to change. Forever. Nothing is going to be the same, and it’s going to be awful and hard and he doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to take it.

 

“Do you want me to be there with you?” Simon finally speaks.

 

“I have to do this on my own,” Jack says, losing the willpower to fight.

 

“I hope you know I’m doing this because I care. If you’ll let me, I will be there for you every step of the way. I can’t cure you. But I can try to make your bad days brighter, and help in any way I can. This doesn’t change my feelings for you at all,” Simon said, looking into his eyes.

 

Jack sniffled. “What you said before...at your house...I love you too.”

 

When he opens the door, he’s instantly greeted with the three men, rushing over to him with immense concern.

 

Jack bit his lip, and freely let the tears fall. He lifted his chin. “There’s something I’ve been keeping from all of you. And you need to know now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only one more chapter after this one! This story is nearing its end. 
> 
> Not to give too much away...but the final chapter is over ten thousand words, and it's gonna take a little bit to tie up some loose ends and edit it. Expect the final chapter in around an hour, maybe.
> 
> Jack is finally going to get the help he needs.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack, ready or not, is taking the treacherous journey of recovery.

When Jack had confessed his secret life, it was like it all came spilling out. He gave no one the chance to respond or interrupt during his recount of how it all started. The worst part was seeing their faces. He felt so guilty for hurting them in that way, seeing them blame themselves and try to reason how this possibly could’ve happened.

 

A close second was when Dean stormed off to find a scale, and made him stand on it. He’d initially refused, argued and begged. But he was no match for the taller, stronger man, and he was too weak to resist being dragged and held in place on the cold, familiar metal.

 

110.

  
  


It spiraled into complete chaos, Dean lashing out and masking his hurt with anger. Sam defended Jack, fiercely staying adamant that Jack was the victim in all this, a sick person with a disordered mind.

 

Jack had never felt so alone than when he stood, watching them fight over him. His mistakes. His faults. He couldn’t shake the overwhelming guilt and anxiety that racked his body.

 

Castiel came up to him, providing a calm, comforting presence. He held him in his arms and ran his fingers through his air, allowing him to cry, not making it about Castiel, not interrogating him or getting angry, but simply letting him feel loved.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “Fuck, he needs to go to the doctor. Who knows how much damage he’s done to his body,” Sam said. _

 

_ “I think what he needs is to fucking eat! How does this shit even happen?! He’s not some teenaged girl in the nineties, he’s a nephilim! How did we not see this?! Why would he do this crap!?” Dean bellowed. _

 

_ “You don’t know what he’s been through! Have some fucking decency, Dean. He’s sick. Not everyone can regard all emotions as weakness and think they’re better than everyone else!” Sam roared. _

 

_ “Can you two knock it off!?” Castiel finally yelled. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

Jack decided the best course of action was to remain quiet and let things happen around him. Eventually, Castiel had driven him to the doctor. They didn’t talk much. Jack didn’t feel pressured.

 

All he felt was guilt.

 

Jack requested Castiel to stay in the room while he explained the situation to the young female doctor. 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “What does an average day look like to you, food-wise?” She asked, holding her clipboard. _

 

_ “One meal a day. Toast or soup, mostly,” Jack said, avoiding the gaze of both of them. _

 

_ “About how many calories do you average?” She inquired. _

 

_ “150-450. My limit is 500. I drink juice to make my calories higher so I don’t feel faint, and I don’t have to feel like I’m eating. I fast, sometimes, but not lately because I’ve been feeling very dizzy..” Jack mumbled. _

 

_ She looked worried. “Dizziness? Can you describe that, and any other symptoms you’ve had as a result of your restricting?”  _

 

_ “I...I feel dizzy a lot. Whenever I stand up, I can’t see for a few seconds. I’ve had a couple times where I felt so disoriented that I fall down and can’t stop it. I’m very cold, all the time. I have to wear a lot of layers. I take showers often because my....fingers and stuff...go blue..” Jack admitted. _

 

_ “What about your heart rate?” She asked. _

 

_ “Sometimes it feels too strong. Like I can hear it, and it hurts with every beat. And it goes too fast. That’s not as often. Mostly, I just feel cold and weak,” Jack explained. _

 

_ “Is there a reason why you started this behavior?”  _

 

_ “My close friend encouraged me. At first, I did it out of respect for her honesty and opinions. But when we started fighting it was to spite her. No matter what, I felt gross about myself,” Jack said. _

 

_ “How do you feel about yourself now?” _

 

_ “I feel hate. But I also don’t want to die. Maybe when I’m better I can diet in a healthier way,” Jack said, hopefully. _

 

_ She looked at him with pity. “Jack, you’re twenty pounds underweight. You’re suffering from a delusional state. Once we’ve combatted the malnutrition, we’ll be able to work on your mental health and the way you perceive yourself.” _

 

_ Jack backed away. “Forget it, I’m not gaining all that weight back.” _

 

_ “You need to, Jack. If not, you will eventually die. Your organs will shut down if you don’t feed them.” _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

It hit him like a ton of bricks, like most things those past twenty four hours. It was an endless stream of bad news and pain. Everything about it was awful. Why was it called recovery? All it’d done was ruin his life and his plans.

 

But he might not have a life to ruin if he continued with his poor choices.

 

He’d opted out of inpatient, considering he was (legally) eighteen and could make that choice on his own. That didn’t mean it would be all sunshine and roses, though, because Jack was given a meal plan and there was no way his family would let him out of their sight.

 

It was hell. One of them had to watch him eat every meal, intently. They’d all done their research on just how easy it is for people with eating disorders to lie. And he wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom for an hour afterwards, incase Jack had attempted to purge.

 

Every meal was the same song and dance, each seemingly worse. It didn’t feel empowering or nurturing. It was embarrassing and painful.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Jack stared at the sandwich. Eight hundred calories, including the two glasses of whole milk he was forced to drink with every meal. _

 

_ “Jack, you need to eat,” Sam sighed. _

 

_ “You don’t understand. You’ve never felt the way I felt. You’ve been through ten times worse than I have, but our problems are completely different,” Jack said, quietly, avoiding his gaze. _

 

_ “You’re right, I don’t understand how you feel. But I understand the danger you’re in. And I’m not willing to let you go. Because I love you like a son,” Sam said with a pleading voice. _

 

_ Jack remained still. _

 

_ “If you don’t, you’ll have to go to the hospital, where they’ll feed you through a tube through your nose. Please.” Sam said. _

 

_ Jack grabbed the plate, turning away from Sam, closing his eyes. He couldn’t be humiliated any further. He knew that Sam was watching his every move, but he could almost trick his body into thinking he was alone. _

 

_ He rips off pieces of the sandwich, shovelling it into his mouth, wincing at the way it burned down his largely unused throat. He downs the two glasses of thick, revolting milk in about thirty seconds flat each.  _

 

_ Jack’s stomach feels so full, no one understands that his capacity for food has shrunk tremendously, and it physically hurts. He thinks he may vomit without meaning to, it takes everything in him not to do so. _

 

_ With anger, he storms across the room and sits down on the couch, clutching his stomach and fighting the urge to cry. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

They’d thrown away Jack’s scale and the bathroom scale, but they apparently underestimated Jack’s strong will. He’s not proud of it by any means, but in two weeks he managed to sneak out of the bunker in the middle of the night, and rifled through the trash can. 

 

It was a necessity to him. Numbers, stats, they kept him whole. Jack felt out of control when he was kept in the dark about his own boy.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Maniacally, he laughed with bitterness, and pulled his longtime friend out of the rubbish, positioning it in the flat grass. Jack used his phone as a flashlight, and nervously stepped on top. _

 

_ 115. _

 

_ Jack backed off in offense, Five pounds. That’s not right. Some of it has to be water weight, right? But the grass isn’t a completely flat surface. It might be much more. He tugged at his stomach. He might as well assume it’s been twenty. He fights the urge to throw up, and chucks the scale back into the trash. _

 

_ He thought he’d feel more in control. He’s never felt so unbalanced.  _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

When Claire found out, it was awful. He’d already gotten it all over with, or so Jack had thought. He’d told nearly everyone in the span of one day...except his cousin, one of his closest friends.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Claire knocked tentatively, and Jack gave a confirmation that she could come in. _

 

_ She walked in, so slowly it seemed she didn’t even want to know what she would find when that door opened. _

 

_ Jack clamped his eyes shut, hugging his knees on his bed. All he ever did was disappoint people. It was a never-ending cycle, Jack wanting to be good, his loved ones reassuring that he was, and then him screwing up.  _

 

_ He heard her gasp, and Jack turned to look at Claire. _

 

_ “I...How, Jack? Why?” She pleaded, shaking when she sat down next to him. _

 

_ “I don’t know,” Jack mumbled. “It all happened so fast.” _

 

_ “Everytime we video chatted, texted, and met up...you were keeping this secret. It was eating you alive. How could you not tell me?” Claire demanded. _

 

_ “I didn’t want to hurt you! You’ve been through more than me, I can’t be the one to burden you further,” Jack admitted. _

 

_ Claire leaned her head on her hand. “You’re getting better, right?”  _

 

_ Jack sighed. “They’re making me eat.” _

 

_ “You need to eat!” Claire snapped. _

 

_ When Jack studied her features, he saw her lips begin to tremble and eyes start to water.  _

 

_ “You-you need to, to survive, I c-can’t lose you. Almost everyone in my life has had some sort of ulterior motive. But you...you just wanted a friend. You wanted to hang out and do stupid stuff together. You’re so kind. How can you do something so unkind, so cruel, to yourself!?” _

 

_ A tear fell down her cheek. _

 

_ Jack sat upright instantly, putting a hand on her shoulder. “C-Claire, no, please don’t cry. I’m so sorry...I’m not gonna die, I promise…” He murmured in panic. _

 

_ Claire hugged him tight, and Jack felt hot tears on his shirt. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

Through all the terrible things that had happened in his life, Simon stayed true to his word and supported him through everything. The best thing he did was, with his request, treat him normally.

 

With Simon, he could watch Star Trek, look at dumb memes, and talk about knitting. He was someone who understood Jack and all his quirks and hobbies. It was just easy, and maybe taking the easy way out is something criticised, but all he’d done lately is take the rough path, make the hard decisions.

 

But sometimes, you can’t ignore the elephant in the room

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “Klingon kinda sounds like German, with the harsh sounds coming from the back of the throat,” Jack observed. _

 

_ Simon chuckled. “Don’t say that to a German.” _

 

_ “I think Klingon is a cool language though! It sounds tough and badass. I’d consider it a compliment,” Jack retorted. _

 

_ “There are worse alien species to be compared to. Talaxian, for example,” Simon shivered. _

 

_ “Neelix was a good character! When you’re trapped in unexplored space all alone, you need comic relief,” Jack said. _

 

_ “The only thing I liked about him was the scene where Tuvok had a mental breakdown and fantasized about strangling him,” Simon replied. _

 

_ Jack blinked. “That’s morbid, but it was a good episode.” _

 

_ Simon went to pick a new episode, but paused, turning toward Jack, smiling. _

 

_ “I love seeing you healthier,” Simon said. _

 

_ Jack looked taken aback, and impulsively said “So you can tell I’ve gained weight?” _

 

_ Simon looked away sheepishly. _

 

_ Jack sighed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound crazy. What season are you thinking next?” _

 

_ “You’re not crazy,” Simon replied. “When I say you look healthier, I mean you don’t look like you’re going to faint. You aren’t sickly pale. You look alive. And part of that is that your bones aren’t jutting out. It’s a good thing.” _

 

_ Jack gave a small smile, “Thank you,” But mentally, remained unconvinced. _

 

_ Jack was getting fatter. That was the plain, simple truth, and he refuses to believe otherwise. _

 

_ Simon thought for a second, “If gaining weight really freaks you out, maybe exercise would help. Like some light weightlifting, or something. To build muscle. It’d be something healthy to focus on.” _

 

_ Jack considered it, “I’m not really allowed to do anything that could burn calories. I guess I could if I agreed to eat more...I’ll think about it.” _

 

_ Simon smiled, kissing his cheek. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

He does, actually, end up asking Dean about a deal like that. Jack considered just working out in secret, but he looked back to the last time he tried that. He was jogging in the middle of the night, and without knocking, Dean sternly told him to knock it off and that he’d be listening.

 

Pushups and such wouldn’t make that noise, but for some reason, Jack found himself not being able to lie as easily as before. It’s been over a month of recovery, and he’d already noticed big changes. He used to lie every other word.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “Dean?” Jack tentatively said, trying to hide his glare at the milk he was currently pouring for himself. _

 

_ “What’s up?” Dean replied. _

 

_ “Can I exercise, if I agree to eat more?” Jack asked, pulling his best set of puppy dog eyes. _

 

_ Dean pursed his lips. “Why are you suddenly asking that?” _

 

_ Jack bit his lip. “It’s a healthy thing to do. It wouldn’t make me lose weight if I add extra calories to my daily minimum. Plus, I’m already eating enough to gain weight rapidly. I don’t even think it’s possible for me to lose weight currently even if I exercised all day.” _

 

_ Dean sighed, giving in. “Nothing too intense, okay? If it’ll help you, it’s alright.” _

 

_ Jack smiled, “Thank you,” and proceeded to begin drinking. _

 

_ “And, Jack?” Dean started. _

 

_ “Yeah?” Jack replied. _

 

_ “I’m sorry if I haven't been as supportive as I should’ve. It’s just...you have to understand how freaked out I was. I was so scared that you were dying. I felt like a fool for not seeing what you were doing, and any time I’ve yelled or been rough it’s not because I’m mad at you. I’m mad at myself,” Dean admitted. _

 

_ “You shouldn’t be sorry. I’m the one who lied. I’m the one who’s been such a burden,” Jack looked down. _

 

_ “You’re not a burden, Jack. We’re all family here. It’s no different than when I take care of Sam when his stubborn ass won’t admit he’s got a cold. And, lying? We’ve all done that here. We’ve done ten times worse. Nobody’s perfect. All I want is for you to be healthy,” Dean replied. _

 

_ Jack smiled thankfully, and only then did he notice half his meal was gone. Usually, every bite was torture. All he could focus on. But this time it felt almost normal. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

He’d started with pushups, squats, lunges, planks, and some others. Cardio was off-limits. Too much of a calorie burn. Jack actually found it fun. Sometimes Netflix can’t stop his racing thoughts, but when he worked out, it really worked. 

 

He would focus on the healthier thrum of his heartbeat, the sweat brimming at his forehead, his unfed muscles finally being pushed and utilized. 

 

What Jack had missed most about Ana is the positive reinforcement. Achieving goals and reaching milestones. It’d felt like he was doing something good for once, improving on himself. In a couple weeks, he’d already saw himself toning up from the exercise, and it felt damn good. 

 

Jack was bettering himself. Only this time, it didn’t involve starving his body and mind, teetering on the edge, tempting fate. When he’d started curing his malnourishment, he’d felt so much better. Physically. Warm and clear headed.

 

Exercise made him feel better emotionally, mentally. It scratched Jack’s incessant perfectionist tendencies and made him see his body in a slightly better light. 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Jack examined himself in the mirror, like he uncontrollably found himself doing multiple times a day. Only, on this day, he didn’t feel pure disgust. He didn’t want to claw away all the fat resting on his bones and become a skeleton. _

 

_ Four weeks of working out, and he’d visibly toned up. Jack wasn’t comparable to a wrestler by any means, but his body wasn’t anything to sneeze at. To the average person, he still looked too skinny. To Jack, he still looked too fat. But both sides could see improvement.  _

 

_ Jack felt guilty for not completely hating himself. Gluttonous. Cocky. Who was he to not hate himself? _

 

_ Jack sighed. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

One of his happiest and most disappointed days was at a checkup. Jack dreaded the doctor. Calorie adjustments, practical interrogations. It felt so violating, being told nothing about your own body when everyone else does behind your back. Being treated with pity and being regarded as a child.

 

Jack felt like a child, in those moments. Helpless and clueless. But he’d still longed to regain the trust and respect he lost with his betrayal. 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Jack stepped on the scale, backwards as per the doctor’s request. It took everything in him not to lurch his head back to see the number and yell at everyone for keeping him in the dark. But he didn’t want to cause a scene. _

 

_ “Congratulations, Jack! You’re officially in the normal weight! We’re so proud of you,” Dr. Alice Morgan said, clapping her hands together and grinning like the sun. _

 

_ Jack stepped off, crossing his arms, biting his lip. It couldn’t be true. Already? _

 

_ “S..so I really gained twenty pounds in t-that short time?” Jack mumbled, feeling his hands shake. _

 

_ “That’s what is to be expected with your eating plan. I’ve seen girls- people, gain that much in two weeks, they were so sick. When you starve yourself, you gain back the weight quickly, because you do damage to your metabolism.That’s another reason to always stick to healthy dieting. And only when you need it,” She explained. _

 

_ “So, can I stop eating now?” Jack said, sitting down in an attempt to calm his overwhelming nerves. _

 

_ “You could, theoretically, stop eating enough to gain weight. But I think it’d be best for you to get into the 140’s, at least. With the way you carry your weight, higher is better, to protect your bones. Honestly, an ideal starter weight would be the 150’s. But we can cross that bridge when we get to it,” Dr. Morgan said. _

 

_ “So...ten more, you think..?” Jack said, fumbling with his fingers. _

 

_ “I think that’s a great short-term goal. What I really want you to eventually reach is not thinking about numbers. Right now, we do that to keep you healthy. But once you’ve reached a healthier weight, It’s good to follow intuition. Eat when hungry, snack when you crave it. Don’t let anorexia control you,” She replied. _

 

_ “I don’t know if I can do that. Numbers keep me sane. Even if I’m eating more than I can handle, I still need to know the calories. And not knowing my weight drove me crazy. It’s so hard,” Jack sighed. _

 

_ Dr. Morgan gave a comforting smile. “No one’s expecting you to instantly be better. Start small. Have a cookie without checking the calories. And, as I’ve recommended before, a therapist could really help you on the mental side of things.” _

 

_ Jack looked down. “I don’t want to go to a shrink and feel crazier than I already am. I’ve burdened enough people.” _

 

_ She pursed her lips in thought. “You know, Brad Pitt goes to therapy. So does Prince Harry, and Emma stone. There’s no shame in it. A great way to work through feeling like a burden is put all your emotions onto a third party with no skin in the game.You can vent to someone who understands how to help, instead of keeping things inside until it all blows up onto a loved one that doesn’t have any experience in how to handle it.” _

 

_ Jack scratched his neck, before looking up at her. “I’ll think about it, I guess…” _

 

_ She grinned. “I’m happy to hear it. You’ve been doing so well in your recovery, you have a lot of motivation to make your loved ones proud. The underlying issue is your self esteem, and working on that highly prevents relapse.” _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

He ends up mentioning it to Sam offhandedly, mostly as a joke, but Jack is surprised at his reaction.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “I think it’s a good idea,” Sam said, turning the steering wheel. _

 

_ “Really?” Jack said, not expecting it. _

 

_ “Yeah. Doctor’s know best. I saw one, actually, in college,” Sam replied. _

 

_ “No way. But you’re so like...and Dean is so...like..” Jack trailed off. _

 

_ “Emotionally constipated? Yup, that’s a Winchester for you. But when I was around your body's age, I really revolted against the whole hunting scene. Went full normal. Wanted to burn all traces of my past. Dealing with my problems was part of that,” Sam explained. _

 

_ “Why did you stop?” Jack inquired. _

 

_ Sam sighed, checking his rear-view mirror. “With all that’s happened, I wouldn’t be able to relay a single word of my issues, anyway. I’d get locked in the loony bin. With you, though...It’s not supernatural related. I mean, not completely, anyway. It’d be easier for you to tell white lies and still get good advice.” _

 

_ Jack shut his eyes, letting the flashbacks of these past two months wash over him. “I don’t know, I’d feel guilty acting like I’m some battered victim when Taylor is the one who died. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t deserve it.” _

 

_ Sam contemplated his soft-spoken words with concern. “You talking like that makes me think you should see someone even more. Just to try it out. I really won’t force you to do anything but eat. But I can strongly suggest it.” _

 

That day, Jack nervously called Dr. Morgan and asked for a recommendation. He was so nervous, he awkwardly sat on his bed for what seemed like hours holding his phone, willing any ounce of courage to fill him.

 

Something Castiel taught him a long while before that was counting down. When you’re too scared to do something, count down from thirty, building up the energy. Then without giving it a second thought, launch yourself into whatever it is makes you so nervous.

 

After a somewhat awkward talk, Jack wrote down a name and he’d just stared at it. Wondered if it was even worth it to consider.

 

He did. Because of his family, because of Simon. It’d been about time he made big decisions and work on himself instead of his loved ones forcing him into everything. Jack counted down from thirty, and made his next call.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “Hello…” Jack mumbled, walking into the muted blue room and fidgeting with his sleeves  _

 

_ “It’s nice to meet you, Jack Kline. Sit however makes you comfortable,” Mr. Burke said, motioning him toward the light green seat. _

 

_ Jack sat, waiting for the the young adult to continue. _

 

_ “Is there anything off the bat you want to talk about?” The man asked. _

 

_ Jack felt anxiousness build inside him, and he simply nodded no. _

 

_ “Would you prefer it if I asked you questions, and you answered?” Burke asked. _

 

_ “Okay,” Jack replied. _

 

_ “What prompted you to come see me?” He said. _

 

_ Jack bit his lip in thought. “Dr. Alice Morgan referred you to me.” _

 

_ He smiled. “Oh, I know her very well. She’s a great choice. Would you feel comfortable saying what you’re being treated for?” _

 

_ Jack closed his eyes, counting down from ten. “Yeah, um...anorexia.” _

 

_ He nodded. “Nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve counselled many men dealing with that disease, it just isn’t talked about all that much. It’s very brave to seek treatment.” _

 

_ Jack scoffed. “I would’ve never gotten help if my family hadn’t forced me. I’m eighteen, but that doesn’t change anything, their house their rules. I’m not brave. I mean, sure, I set up this appointment on my own, but-...I only did it to make them proud.” _

 

_ Jack felt his breath hitch, embarrassed at his sudden oversharing. Is it oversharing if it’s with a therapist? God, he’s paying someone to talk to him. That’s sad. That’s pathetic. He’s pathetic- _

 

_ “You have a close relationship with your family, then?” Dr. Burke asked. _

 

_ “Yeah. They gave me everything. No matter if I deserved it or not. When I make mistakes, I’m forgiven. When I’m literally destined from birth to be evil, I’m believed in. It’s really not fair. Sometimes it feels like they only do it so they don’t have to admit I turned out like a screw up. Fuck, I’m rambling. Oh God, I cursed. Sorry. I don’t know why I’m acting like this.” Jack rapid fired. _

 

_ “This is a safe room where you can say whatever comes to your mind. I’m only here to help you organize those thoughts and feelings. Many people don’t even realize what they’ve been keeping in until they walk into my office,” He explained. _

 

_ Jack felt his knotted stomach ease lightly. He felt so nervous here. The calm colors and comforting voice didn’t do as much for him as he’d like. _

 

_ “You mention being ‘destined to be evil’? Is that something you’d like to clarify?” He inquired. _

 

_ Jack wrung his hands, cursing himself for blabbering. “U-uhm...My fath- My biological father. He’s awful. The worst person that could ever exist, and that’s not hyperbole.” _

 

_ Dr. Burke looked thoughtfully. “A bad relationship with parents can greatly affect mental health. It’s very common.” _

 

_ Jack snorted. “Yeah, I know, daddy issues…” He trailed off, looking pained. “But I didn’t just have an absent father, or a stand-offish one. He was a monster.” _

 

_ “Would you like to talk about it?” Dr. Burke asked. _

 

_ Jack sighed, wondering how recalling the most painful events in his life could ever help. He kind of wants to escape. Lucifer pretended to be someone else, and was intimate with an unsuspecting victim. Kelly thought it was someone she would’ve slept with, but he definitely was not. _

 

_ Lucifer impregnated her, and in doing that, sealed her death. _

 

_ “He raped my mother. No remorse. No guilt.” _

 

_ “And having a connection to someone like that, makes you feel the burden of that guilt?” The man said. _

 

_ Jack nodded. “I don’t want to be anything like him.” _

 

_ “It must’ve been very difficult growing up with that knowledge,” Burke said. _

 

_ “I only found out recently…” Jack sighed, willing his heartbeat to slow. _

 

_ “Then it came as a shock to you. You suddenly felt out of control, like you didn’t know anything at all,” He replied. _

 

_ “That’s exactly how I felt! I mean, they always said he was a bad person. But my family never specified, so I never knew the severity. He wanted to reconnect with me, and I thought it was a good idea! He was so nice and charming and I fell for it, until my real family t-told me the truth…” Jack felt himself tear up. _

 

_ “Being manipulated is very hard to deal with. It makes you doubt yourself,” He replied. _

 

_ “I don’t trust my judgement at all anymore...one minute he was making plans to get to know me better, but the second I confronted him with what I knew....he hurt me,” Jack said, shakily. _

 

_ “Physically? Did you press charges?” Burke asked. _

 

_ “Yes, and...yes, I did.” Jack lied with the last part. It was kind of hard to explain that Lucifer is your father and he was killed. _

 

_ “That’s a very traumatizing experience. It’s natural to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms after something like that. No one is prepared for tragic events, and when they hit, you don’t know how to handle it.” He said. _

 

_ “I...didn’t really consider that it might’ve affected me, uhm...not eating.” Jack said, in realization. _

 

_ “I’m here to help you connect the dots. Would you like to talk about when you first started that behavior?” Burke asked. _

 

_ Jack drew a blank, only being able to focus on the tightness in his chest. _

 

_ “I...I feel- I feel...anxious when I think about it..” Jack stuttered. _

 

_ “Is it something you’d rather save for a later visit? There’s no rush,” He reassured. _

 

_ “N-no...I can...I can do it. My best friend, Taylor, said that I didn’t look good. She suggested I go on her extreme diet with her, like...like she was my c-coach, and I was her pet project. She called me that a lot.” Jack replied, hugging his stomach. _

 

_ “You must’ve valued her opinions very much,” Burke said. _

 

_ “Ten times more than my own. She was my everything. Anything she said, I would do. It’s pathetic..” Jack trailed off. _

 

_ “After being betrayed by your biological father, you lost a lot of trust in yourself. It’s not uncommon to turn to someone that you can relinquish control to. It makes you feel as if you can’t make mistakes if you don’t do anything on your own at all,” Burke said. _

 

_ Jack had never thought of it like that. After Lucifer had gone crazy. going after his family and nearly taking his grace forever, Jack never wanted to make a horrible decision again. So he put that responsibility on Taylor. _

 

_ “She made me feel so embarrassed. Taylor said everyone was thinking I looked gross and just didn’t say it to my face. I felt like an idiot. And grateful to her for being honest with me. How could I not fix myself after she pointed it out? It would look lazy, gluttonous, disgusting! I don’t want to be bad! All I’ve ever wanted was to be good!” Jack spat out. _

 

_ “You constantly feel the need to prove yourself. It’s exhausting to feel that burden on your shoulders,” He replied. _

 

_ “All the time. I feel like everyone’s just waiting for me to turn into a monster. I feel like if I make one mistake, it’ll all go wrong and everyone will hate me. I have this pressure, and my family constantly tells me I’m good, but I can’t believe it.” Jack said, defeated. _

 

_ Burke nodded. “You struggle deeply with self esteem.” _

 

_ Jack pursed his lips. “It’s like- Sometimes, I feel good about myself for just a second. And then instantly, I feel awful about it. And it repeats.” _

 

_ “That’s very common. But there are things you can do to make those good thoughts longer, and not feel guilt,” He explained. _

 

_ Jack looked disbelieving. “I don’t even know if I want that. I don’t deserve it.” _

 

_ “Let me ask you, who are the people who love you the most?” Dr. Burke asked. _

 

_ “My real father, Castiel. Sam and Dean, who helped raise me just as much. My boyfriend, Simon,” Jack said, smiling as their names passed his lips. _

 

_ “What things do they compliment and say about you?” He inquired. _

 

_ Jack took a moment to think. “Sam always says that I’m smart. I mean, I’m not really, but- whenever I do something, he talks about the intelligence it takes. Castiel really makes a point to reaffirm that I’m not my biological father, and that he’s my real dad. Dean says it in a joking way, but he always says that I’m a constant ball of sunshine, and make people happy instantly. I don’t know about now, I’m a real downer…” _

 

_ Jack caught his breath, and continued on. “Simon reassures me when I’m insecure. I feel embarrassed to discuss not feeling attractive with my family, obviously...but he always makes me feel wanted, and says he loves my body.” _

 

_ Jack paused. “I feel...guilty, when I let my insecurities slip out. Because he shouldn’t have to deal with that. He didn’t sign up for this. So I really try my hardest to keep it hidden, but it’s like he knows anyway, and tries to make me feel better.” _

 

_ Mr. Burke nodded. “You have a wonderful support system. And you deserve it. What I want you to do is, even if you don’t believe it, say the things they would say to yourself. Really focus on those kind words for a long time, and think about why they’re said to you. Resist the urge to berate yourself.” _

 

_ Jack squinted. “You...want me to spend forever thinking good things about myself? That’s vain…” _

 

_ “Think of it as a part of treatment. As necessary as eating. You’re not just complimenting yourself, you’re thinking about why those good things are attributed to you, thinking about times you did good deeds. A good self esteem is important. Mental health is just as significant as physical health.” He cemented. _

 

_ Jack nodded slowly. “If...If it’ll make me better, and my family will be proud, and they won’t have to worry and burden themselves with me anymore...I will try.” _

 

_ “That takes great strength. Remember that you are courageous. You will feel so grateful to yourself in the future,” Dr. Burke said, smiling. _

 

_ Jack smiled a half grimace, “Thank you. But I’m really not.” _

 

_ “You are. Starting now, you’re going to make a conscious effort to not undermine yourself. It helps so much to have a mind that isn’t in a constant fight between two sides.” He replied. _

 

_ “Okay,” Jack said, simply. _

 

_ Part of him believed that this was all bullshit and vain. Another part of him felt selfish hope that he wouldn’t have to deal with this pain anymore. _

 

_ Jack caught himself. _

 

_ Starting now, he needs to focus on the latter. Hope. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

The most shocking part of therapy was that it worked. Jack had never expected it to be like that. What good could come from whining? But as it turned out, he’d had so many thoughts he didn’t even know he was thinking until it all came tumbling out. And though the idea of opening up brought him great anxiety, heavy weights were removed from his shoulders, and he had some idea of what his plans were.

 

He continued to see him twice a week, and each time he felt lighter. The worst part of recovering was keeping everything bottled up- until he explodes and feels horrible. Jack felt better, these days. Eating still sucked, but it didn’t cause stomach cramps like before. The only nausea was from his mind.

 

Following his “Homework” was a bit more difficult.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Jack sat on his bed, notebook in hand. He was supposed to write down good things he’s done in his life. Right now, all his mind was doing was reminding him of all the pain he's caused. But he has to write something. He’s showing this to Mr. Burke in a couple days. _

 

_ Reluctantly, he places pen to page. _

 

**I’ve saved people from monsters**

 

_ No, can’t put that there. No references to the supernatural aspects of his life. Besides, he’s hurt more people than he’s helped in that regard. _

 

**Moved (deaf?) sleeping cat from the road, did not rescue (had collar) (most people would do this. not considered good deed?)**

 

**Knitted things for my friends/family**

 

**Volunteered for animal shelters (have not done this in awhile. been very preoccupied. is not doing that considered a bad deed?)**

 

**Make playlists for my boyfriend (he loves music a lot)**

 

**Fixed air conditioner for my boyfriend’s family (dean taught me that)**

 

**Make food for my family when they seem too busy to care for themselves**

 

**I try to say how thankful I am often. I have amazing people around me and want them to know how much I appreciate it.**

 

_ Jack looked at his list, not knowing if it was enough or too much. If he was enough or too much. When you’re thrust into a terrifying world, forced to grow up and fight the most revolting, cruel creatures while being treated like one yourself, it’s hard to know the basics at times. _

 

_ He knows that a smile plays at his lips when he recalls his happiest memories, when he felt rare moments of pride. It’s...nice. When guilt threatens to reprimand Jack, to send him back into his darkest thoughts, he puts in headphones and turns up the music so loud it suffocates him. _

 

_ I’m not Lucifer, he repeats. I’m not overweight. I’m not. I’m not. I’m not. _

 

_ I’m imperfect. Imperfect is okay. it is. _

 

_ People love me. They do. I need to be strong for them. _

 

_ I’m not Lucifer. I’m not overweight. I’m not disgusting. I’m not evil. _

 

_ Anorexia is. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

When those words pounded into his skull, the feeling...it was hard to describe. Bittersweet. Remorse from insulting his most comforting and conniving companion. Pride from accomplishing the assignment he’d been given. Guilt, the one he’d been told to avoid, from accepting that he isn’t the complete worst person in the world.

 

He did that, every day. Focused on any good qualities he could think of, and delivered them to his therapist. And each time, he had more. Each time, he felt happier.

 

Once you allow yourself to be freed from the prison of thinking you don’t deserve to get better, or that the methods are ridiculous, it’s like your eyes are opened for the very first time. And the world is a whole lot brighter than your disordered mind.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “140. Good job, Jack. You’ve come a long way,” Dr. Morgan said, motioning him to sit. _

 

_ Jack swallowed, focusing on his own hands picking at the knees of his pants, repeating mantras It’s fine. It’s not anywhere near overweight. It’s fine. He’s fine. Not evil. Not fat. _

 

_ He's okay. _

 

_ “I think you’re ready to get off meal plans and try intuitive eating. This does not mean your journey is over. You should still be monitored closely that you’re eating three full meals and snacking. This is prime opportunity for a relapse and we want to avoid that. I want you to feel free to eat whatever you want and not count the calories,” She explained. _

 

_ Jack’s eyes lit up. “I’ve wanted nothing more than to stop having to eat a certain number of calories a day. It’s exhausting.” _

 

_ She smiled sympathetically. “I’m not suggesting you eat less, please realize that. You need to be vigilant, and have people around you to make sure you eat enough. Appointments will be more frequent to make sure you don’t lose weight. With the muscle you’ve built, especially, a higher weight would be ideal.” _

 

_ Jack nodded, biting his cheek, thinking of all the ways his life could change. _

 

_ “You’ve done great so far. Following meal plans, even exercising, keeping your body healthy. But you can’t simply follow rules forever. This is setting you on a journey to full recovery, where food doesn’t give you a second thought.” _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

Not following a meal plan was weirder than he anticipated. Jack would stare at a full fridge and cabinets, and have no idea what to eat. Barely any of his “safe foods” would be there. Trying to grab anything that wasn’t jam-packed with calories got him  _ the look.  _

 

Jack was forced to find new safe foods. Ones that he could pretend weren’t going to make him either maintain his weight or gain it. He stuck to a very small selection, but the numbers on the scale never went down. 

 

They still watch him eat, and don’t let him go to the bathroom for at least thirty minutes. Which was really awkward if it was an emergency, and someone had to stand outside the door listening to see if he was secretly puking.

 

Things they don’t tell you when you want to join the cult of anorexia? Your digestive system turns to shit, no pun intended. Back when he was starving himself, he was lucky to be able to  _ you know _ once a week. And when it suddenly goes to a diet of gaining? Your body does not agree. It got better as the months went on, but if he tried a food he hadn’t had in awhile, it was a hit or miss.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Jack and Castiel watched the nature documentary, focusing on wild cats. Dean had noped out, saying just seeing them made him sneeze. _

 

_ Jack took his time sticking pieces of  his PB&J into his mouth, and noticed how enthralled his father was. Complete concentration, other than the occasional “Did you see that one? I saw when their species was first born. They looked completely different. You should’ve seen the size of their fangs.” _

 

_ It would be so, so easy to sneak half of it into his pocket, and dispose of it later. He would never know. _

 

_ He holds it in left hand hand, and wavers in-between choices. _

 

_ Jack can’t do it.  _

 

_ He eats it all, along with his apple, and orange juice. He enjoys the documentary. And feels less guilt than if he had begun his string of lies once more. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

The most Jack’s done in regard to snacking is crackers and fruit. He still ate enough to either gain or maintain, but he still didn’t feel free to casually grab chips, or enjoy an ice cream cone. Everyday was still planned in his mind, just not on paper.

 

He wanted to change that, but didn’t know how.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Jack cackled. As if something like that would really happen...as it turns out, the makers of horror movies have clearly never actually seen anything supernatural. _

 

_ “Dude! How are you laughing right now! The kids are about to die!” Simon exclaimed, clutching onto Jack’s arm. _

 

_ “Cause it’s not real,” Jack giggled, stroking his hair. _

 

_ “Neither is B’Elanna’s backstory of being bullied due to her half human/klingon ethnicity but you still cried,” Simon retorted, snuggling in closer. _

 

_ “Well, I can see that happening in real life one day. It happens now, with just humans. I don’t see the girl from The Ring as a current threat,” Jack replied. _

 

_ Simon pouted. “If you’re so brave, you better save me if she is real. But I won’t be able to call you, cause she controls phones!...guess you’ll just have to stay here forever.” _

 

_ “Your Dad would kill me if you hinted at me spending the night, let alone forever. He scares me. I don’t care if he gardens, I feel like he secretly knows kung-fu and hides a switchblade in his hair.” Jack shuddered. _

 

_ Simon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I have to worry about three Dads’ who think it’s cool to casually clean their guns in front of me. Why did you tell the leather jacket one that I let you watch Star Trek?” _

 

_ “You insisted on coming over since we always go to your house. I warned you and you learned your lesson, Si.” Jack replied. _

 

_ “Whatever, I need to feed my beating heart before another scary scene comes on,” Simon said, leaning over Jack to reach his bedside drawer and pulling out double-stuff Oreos. _

 

_ Simon pulled back the film, grabbing an Oreo. He held it out toward Jack, before showing a face of realization and pulling it back. “Sorry, I uh, forgot..” _

 

_ Impulsively, Jack decided no. Not this time. Food wasn’t going to control his relationship and his happiness. Fuck. That. _

 

_ “I love Oreos, actually,” Jack said, reaching and taking one from the box. _

 

_ Simon’s face turned from surprise to a huge smile, and he started going to town on those Oreo's, because, hello, double-stuff. _

 

_ Simon pulled apart the two cookies, and started licking the creamy stuffing in-between. _

 

_ “Ew, you eat it like that?” Jack asked. _

 

_ Simon tilted his head. “It’s the only way to eat an Oreo.” _

 

_ “But then you’re left with two cookies without any stuffing…” Jack said. _

 

_ “Oh, I don’t eat the cookies. Just the cream filling,” Simon said with nonchalance, discarding the two cookies, and breaking apart another Oreo, repeating the cycle. _

 

_ “...Considering how good you’ve been to me, I’m not going to judge,” Jack said, looking disturbed, then chuckling. _

 

_ Simon feigned offense. “Okay, tough guy, show me the ‘proper way’ to eat Oreos.” _

 

_ Jack plopped it in his mouth, chewing, and swallowing the delicious sugary treat. _

 

_ “Still think my way is cooler,” Simon said, licking the filling dramatically. “But I love you despite your character flaw of thinking the cookie part of an Oreo is edible.” _

 

_ Jack rolled his eyes, pressing a kiss to Simon’s lips and grabbing another Oreo. _

 

_ He’s missed this. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

Exercise, along with therapy, was his biggest comfort along this journey. Gaining fat was a hell of a lot harder than gaining muscle. It gave him the self confidence he needed to continue recovery, the comforting truth that food didn’t equal obese.

 

He migrated from simple exercises to lifting small weights, then slowly, bigger ones. Jack had underestimated what starting of your day with pushups could do. It made him feel energized and reduced his anxiety by a mile.

 

Jack would’ve never had the self esteem he had if not for choosing athleticism. And he never would’ve been able to work out if he didn’t eat.

 

Back when he was starving, he barely had the energy to walk. No doubt he would’ve passed out at attempting a tenth of what he’s been doing.

 

Health is not the worst thing in the world, as it turned out. Certainly not to his boyfriend...who definitely had a thing for his new and improved body. Jack didn’t get it by any means, but for some reason, he seemed to prefer him more than when Jack was skinny. To Jack, skinny was the peak of perfection. But maybe his opinion wasn’t as sound as he originally thought.

 

The way Simon put it: “I would love you no matter what. I’d always want you to be healthy and do whatever I can to make sure you don’t get sick again, but I’d always love you. Nonetheless, your biceps kind of make my heart jump out of the window and scream. Hot damn. Concluded.”

 

He always had a way with words.

 

Jack knows it’s a number one no-no to have your recovery be dependent on a single person you’re in a romantic relationship with. He liked to believe it didn’t, that he’d be okay. Jack had tried so hard to keep his eating disorder out of their conversations for that reason.

 

But you can’t deny how helpful it is to have someone want you, be attracted to you. Be visibly excited because of you and your body.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “How can you do this to me, it’s so cruel,” Simon whined in-between kisses. _

 

_ “Do what?” Jack inquired. _

 

_ “Be hot! It’s unfair! How do you expect me to survive being around you all the time? My heart might explode,” Simon replied. _

 

_ Jack threw his head back in laughter. “Well, you’re too cute. Have you apologized for being cute? Nooo, don’t think so.” _

 

_ “Well, cuteness doesn’t make you want to scream and rip your skin off,” Simon retorted. _

 

_ “I make you want to rip your skin off?” Jack said, looking at him like he’s insane. _

 

_ “Out of attraction! It’s like that Britney Spears song- You drive me crazzyyy, I just can’t sleep! I’m so excited, I’m in too deep! Crazzzyyy, but it feels alrighttt! Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night!” Simon sang, pretending to hold a microphone. _

 

_ Jack blinked. “You’re a really good singer. How did I not know this?” _

 

_ Simon blushed, pushing his hair behind his ear. “I’m not that good..” _

 

_ “Are you kidding? You could be the replacement Britney Spears. She’s not really doing anything lately. The world deserves it,” Jack said, emphatically.  _

 

_ “Don’t disgrace Britney’s name like that! I’m better than a garbage disposal, maybe. Barely. I wouldn’t even make it to one of those free concerts you love so much,” Simon replied. _

 

_ “Hey, you always make sure I have good self esteem. You gotta practice what you preach,” Jack said, pointing at him. _

 

_ Simon laughed, crossing his arms. “What if I don’t? What if I wanna be a big ol’ hypocrite huh?” _

 

_ “...Then I’ll just have to smother you to death until you admit you’re amazing!” Jack yelled, flinging himself on top of Simon. _

 

_ Simon yelped in shock. “Ahh! What the heck!” _

 

_ Jack had him pinned on the bed. “Say you’re the next Britney Spears or I’ll stay here until you like, die of dehydration, or something.”  _

 

_ Simon scrunched up his face, before smirking. “Oh wow, what a punishment. I can’t think of anything worse than my boyfriend on top of me. Tragic.” _

 

_ “You said I make you want to rip your skin off when we make out,” Jack retorted. _

 

_ “Yeah, but like...in a good way,” Simon said. _

 

_ “Oh, well in that case, guess I just won’t kiss you,” Jack teased. _

 

_ Simon glared with playfulness still showing through his eyes. _

 

_ “...I can’t resist. Too cute,” Jack whispered, leaning down to meet their lips together. _

 

_ Soon, they’re shirtless and panting, clawing and biting at each other in the most frustrating and satisfying way. Hands on thighs, fists in hair. And it’s hard to have actual thoughts. _

 

_ But, ever the introspective, Jack does. _

 

_ If he was malnourished and starving, he wouldn’t have the strength to hold himself up on the bed, or withstand his heart beating like this. No doubt he’d have fainted by now. _

 

_ His eyes would be filled with black spots for 90% of the encounter. Jack wouldn’t get to see Simon’s beautiful eyes clamp shut and mouth hang open in bliss. He would barely feel his hands on his chest, because the hunger pains would be too strong. Jack’s body would be too cold and numb to perceive any of Simon’s lustful touches.  _

 

_ He would be too terrified to even take his shirt off. _

 

_ How could Jack have thought that excuse for a life was glamorous? Prioritize it over the ones he loves the most? _

 

_ Ana was the evil in him all along. _

 

_ It’s a disease. An actual disease that has to be treated by doctors. _

 

_ Jack doesn’t want to be sick anymore. But what if he can’t control it? _

 

_ “You okay?” Simon asks, breathless. _

 

_ “Yeah, just thinking about how lucky I am right now,” Jack replied, meeting their lips again. _

 

_ “When I’m done with you you won’t be able to think thoughts. That’s a promise,” Simon said, in a low, hushed voice. _

 

_ Jack will spare the details, but Simon followed through with that promise. All Jack can think, even afterwards, is how could he ever want to starve again? _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

As it turned out, anorexia didn’t seem to care what you wanted. It didn’t matter how much you wanted to be better; It’s a disease. People with cancer can’t decide to be cured.

 

With eating disorders, it’s not ever fully  _ gone. _ Recovery is a conscious choice you have to make, every second of every day. You don’t wake up one day and you’re suddenly okay. Your whole life, you’ll have to jump through hoops to make sure you don’t get sick again.

 

The endpoint of recovery is it being relatively easy to do so. But relapses were always going to happen, Jack just wasn’t particularly ready when it did.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ The Winchesters and Castiel were out on a hunt. The first hunt that had left Jack all alone. Usually, with the supernatural world being on the mellow side lately, they didn’t need all three. But apparently there’s always going to be another big bad. _

 

_ At first, Jack was thrilled to be home alone. No one to creepily watch every bite he takes, or god forbid listen outside the bathroom door. He loved his family, but sometimes you just need some ‘me time’.  _

 

_ So, that morning, the second they left Jack took inspiration from the classic movie “Risky Business.” Not the part where the teenager throws a party, but the most famous scene, and his favorite one. _

 

_ Jack balanced his phone on the kitchen table, stripped to his underwear, and hit the play button to the song “Old Time Rock Rock and Roll” by Bob Seger. _

 

_ Rushing to the other side of the room, he waited for his musical que, and slid across as smoothly as possible in his socks. Laughing, he imitated the dance as best he could, even going so far as to jump on the coffee table like a stage, using a fireplace poker as a makeshift guitar and microphone. _

 

_ When the song ended, he flopped on the couch giggling, unbelieving in himself. Did he really just do that? Gosh. If his Dads’ had walked in just now, he cackled. _

 

_ When he stopped laughing enough to get up and walk toward his phone, he caught himself in the mirror. _

 

_ Pausing, he became entranced with his reflection. _

 

_ Was he so vain that he could easily strip down half naked, without a second thought? Prance around as if he’s just that great? Allow himself to feel happiness and laughter, only months after his former best friend’s death? _

 

_ An anvil dropped in his stomach, letting his most horrible memories resurface in flashbacks. The day he’d been told Taylor had died. The day he was forced to eat. Every doctor’s appointment, every therapy session, every breakdown. _

 

_ He hadn’t even gone to her funeral. _

 

_ Jack had never felt so horrible than the day of her funeral, only a week after her death, when he hadn’t paid his respects. Her family no doubt hated him. He’d gone over to her house a million times, hung out with her as often as possible. Until one day it was changed, and Taylor obviously talked bad about him after their fight. _

 

_ She loved to gossip. People criticize it, but she knew the inner workings of the minds of everyone around her. Humans were her obsession; the science of social interaction was Taylor’s favorite game to play.  _

 

_ After their big fight, Jack had become the villain in her story. He wonders if maybe, just maybe, he could’ve saved her. If they could’ve recovered together, just like it was meant to be. He knows he could’ve gotten through to her, somehow. Forced her to look at him and hear his desperate pleas. _

 

_ But by the time he realized just how dangerous this disease was, she’d already been...dead. _

 

_ Recently, he’s been so happy. Happy enough to eat meals and snack. To put this part of his life behind him. _

 

_ But Jack wonders if he’s really ready to forget her, to abandon her, to let go of everything that’s happened. _

 

_ With a troubled sigh, he grabs his phone and heads to his room, not even realizing he hasn’t eaten breakfast yet. _

 

_ It’s hours later when it does come to his attention. _

 

_ “No big deal…” Jack mumbles to himself. “I’ll have a big lunch, soon. I’m just busy right now.” _

 

_ Yet all he was doing at the moment was staring at the ceiling. _

 

_ On shuffle play, comes one of his trigger songs. _

 

**_i was staring at the sky,_ **

 

**_just look for a star_ **

 

**_to pray on, or wish on,_ **

 

**_or something like that._ **

 

**_i was having a sweet fix,_ **

 

**_of a daydream of a boy._ **

 

**_whose reality i knew,_ **

 

**_was hopeless to be had_ **

 

**_then the dove of hope,_ **

 

**_began its downward slope,_ **

 

**_and i believed for a moment.._ **

 

**_that my chances were approaching to be grand._ **

 

**_but as it came down near, so did a weary tear,_ **

 

**_i thought it was a bird.._ **

 

**_but it was just a paper bag._ **

 

**_hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills_ **

 

**_cause’ i know I’m just a mess he don’t wanna clean up._ **

 

**_I got to fold, cause’ these hands are too shaky to hold,_ **

 

**_hunger hurts, but starvin works_ **

 

**_when it costs... too much to love._ **

 

_ Jack let the lyrics wash over him, relating it to his own life. He’d just dumped all his problems on Simon, who got into this relationship completely unknowingly. What if all that kept him by Jack’s side was pity? _

 

_ Sighing, he went into his long untouched “Ana” playlist, filled with songs he used to listen to with the pure purpose of encouraging himself to starve. _

 

_ He tapped on “Sugar & Ice” by his favorite singer, who made up most of those songs, ElysianSoul. One of her songs personifying Anorexia. _

 

**_the chance to change the numbers on the scale is so alluring_ **

 

**_these voices in your head so alive and so assuring_ **

 

**_i need to lose the weight and get right back to where I was_ **

 

**_high eighty is my perfection, low sixty is hers_ **

**_.._ **

 

**_cause I’m sweet as sugar, but I’m cold as ice_ **

 

**_i’m the darkness in your eyes, i’m the shadow to the light_ **

 

**_keep your enemies close and they'll keep you strong_ **

 

**_with me inside your mind you can never go wrong_ **

 

**_i’m that shiver in your spine as the needle drops down_ **

 

**_the back to your bone, i’m your lost and found_ **

 

**_don’t you worry my darling, for when you scream_ **

 

**_i will be the one to help you reach your dreams_ **

  
  


_ Jack bit his lip, clamping his eyes shut and scratching at his palms. He shouldn’t be doing this. He should’ve eaten by now. He was strictly banned from thinspiration. He’s breaking the rules, ruining the trust he’s built up. If they find out he didn’t eat while they were gone, they’ll never let him be alone again. _

 

_ But he doesn’t. Eat. For another few hours, he listens to those songs, reminiscing of his past, romanticizing his disorder. _

 

_ The thinspiration tumblr tag, filled with brittle bones and sweet promises. _

 

_ Until Dean calls. _

 

_ “H-hey, what’s up? You guys’ okay?” Jack answers. _

 

_ “Yeah, we’re fine. Just calling to check in. And remind you that if you manage to throw some sort of classic high school movie party and destroy the bunker, you’re dead,” Dean jokes. _

 

_ Jack rolls his eyes. “I’m not that popular. No parties are happening now or in the future. I don’t think knitters are the type to do something like that. All is how it should be.” _

 

_ “Good, good. You’re eating, right? So help me god, I’m checking when we get back to see if food is missing.” _

 

_ Jack sucks in a breath. “Yup, cookie crunch and a sandwich. Now that you mention it, I’m gonna get a snack.” _

 

_ “Good work. See you in a couple days,” Dean answered. _

 

_ “Bye,” Jack replied, hanging up. _

 

_ He lied. Fuck. He lied. How could he do that? After everything he’s done to win their trust, Jack just lied. He can’t do this. But for some reason, he can’t make himself eat. Is he so weak that he can’t eat without being forced? How is he supposed to live in the real world? Jack cursed himself, pulling at his hair. _

 

_ Jack hugged his knees, tearing up slightly. He was in recovery. He’s better. So why is he acting this way? _

 

_ Jack remembered his therapist’s advice, on not being afraid to call for help. And Simon’s own promise to be there whenever. He felt so helpless and stupid, meanwhile children were starving in Africa. _

 

_ An idea struck him, and reluctantly, he dialed Simon’s number. _

 

_ “What up, babe. Resident cool guy at your service,” Simon answered, causing Jack to laugh through his anxiety. _

 

_ “Well, uh, my parents are like, not home, so,” Jack replied, painfully obvious that he was nervous. _

 

_ “Wait just a sec, I’ll call you back!” Simon replied, hanging up instantly. _

 

_ Jack looked at his phone in confusion, until he got a text from him. _

 

**_simon_ **

when bae says his parents arent home

_ Jack was about to reply, but before he could, Simon called him back. _

 

_ “That picture was both ominous and beautiful, thanks,” Jack said. _

 

_ “Yeah, I’ve been waiting for a reason to use it. Anyway, all of your scary family is gone?” Simon inquired. _

 

_ “For a couple days,” Jack replied. _

 

_ Simon giggled. “I always thought you were too innocent for booty calls.” _

 

_ Jack blushed furiously. “I wasn’t suggesting the uh..that! I just want to be hospitable to you for once. And since ‘Leather Jacket Dad’ that scares you so much, along with all of them, are gone, it’d be perfect. I could like, try not to burn some food for you, let you leach off my Netflix instead of the other way around.” _

 

_ “I’d like that. I’m pretty hungry. For food. And to see your face,” Simon said. _

 

_ “So, you wanna come over today? Or maybe tomorrow?” Jack asked. _

 

_ “Whenever you’re ready, I am,” Simon replied. _

 

_ “Ready as I’ll ever be,” Jack said, already overthinking everything. _

 

_ “On my way, then. I’m wearing the infamous tight button up, so prepare your beating heart. I might explode it,” Simon joked. _

 

_ Jack felt hot. “Yeah, yeah. See you in a few.” _

 

_ Jack lifted himself off his bed, dressing himself and straightening up. And then he went to the kitchen, because he had a reason to. _

 

_ He felt stupid, for needing an excuse to eat, but that’s just life, he guesses. And he gets a hot date out of it, so what's the harm? _

 

_ Jack gets started on some Kraft dinner, the one thing he feels confident in making on the stove. The delicious scent fills his nose, and he thinks ‘I can do this.’ He made the decision to continue recovery, to eat when he didn’t have to. _

 

_ Guilt still racks his mind for lying, but when Simon walks in and kisses him, he allows himself to feel pride. _

 

_ They binge-watch Alexa & Katie, eating copious amounts of Mac N’ Cheese. _

 

_ Jack takes his negative thoughts, and throws them out the window. He's reminded of everything he's fought for. _

 

_ Jack won't let anorexia win. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

Jack had talked about that day with his therapist, who encouraged him to tell his family. At first, he adamantly refused, saying it was only one day, it didn’t matter. But it was less the fact about weight and calories, but more about clearing his conscience from the guilt, starting off fresh.

 

When he did tell them, they were disappointed, but proud of him for telling the truth. And Jack didn’t have to feel so sick inside about it.

 

Throughout his journey, there are other mishaps. There was bound to be. But the thing that kept him going was always being honest. 

 

Transparency made sure he wouldn’t ever get that bad again. Starving, fainting, hating every inch of himself. Jack, ever the stubborn one, always wanted to handle things on his own. But if he needed it? He put every ounce of trust into his loved ones.

 

Recovery, among other things, meant taking things day by day. But Jack hadn’t considered the future, and how it could help or hurt him. How life would change as he and the ones around him grew up and time passed.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “Do you wanna go to college?” Simon asks, suddenly, while they’re cuddled on his bed. _

 

_ “I...hadn’t thought about it,” Jack said, surprised. _

 

_ “It’s just, application season is coming soon. I was wondering what was gonna happen then,” Simon mumbled, stretching his arm over Jack’s chest. _

 

_ “What do you wanna do?” Jack asked. _

 

_ “I dunno. I’ve always kinda dreamed of creating something, designing stuff, like clothes, maybe. But that’s a hard business to get into. I kinda see college as like, a place where you decide what you want to do. I don’t have to pick a major right away, I can take some classes and see what feels right. It’s a huge opportunity to learn about the world and yourself,” Simon said. _

 

_ “I think it’d be great for you. You’re really hard working,” Jack said, stroking his hair. _

 

_ “But like, a lot of them are thirty or forty minutes away. Minimum. Will you be...okay with that?” Simon asks, quietly, nerves showing plainly. _

 

_ “I’d go anywhere to be with you. You really think half an hour could separate us? I’m about to get my license, anyways,” Jack says, vehemently. _

 

_ Simon smiles against his chest. “I’m really glad I asked you out. I really got lucky, huh? It seems like forever ago.” _

 

_ “Getting close to one year. I think I’m the lucky one, mister. You’re the best boyfriend in the entire world. When you go to college, whichever one it is, I’ll be there whenever you want me.” _

 

_ “Stoopp, I’m blushing,” Simon whined. _

 

_ “Did I mention your cute little face? Your beautiful voice? Your talented hands- Hey, I meant with knitting, don’t get a dirty mind. Your endless, undying support for me? How much I freaking love you?” Jack said, playing with Simon’s ears. _

 

_ “I’ll fight you if you don’t stop...but I love you too. You, and your unwavering ability to make everyone around you smile. Your rock hard….abs. Ha, got you. Who has a dirty mind now?” Simon laughed. _

 

_ Jack had a thought. “If we both went to college, we’d never have to wait for our parents to be gone.” _

 

_ Simon playfully batted him with a pillow. “That’s not a reason to go to college!” He cackled. _

 

_ Jack smacked him back, giggling. “I’m serious, though...I think it’d be good for me too. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, you know? It could clear things up. I can’t just wait for things to happen, I need to make them happen. I want to make my family proud.” _

 

_ “You make them proud everyday. But yeah, I can see it now. Two guys, not sure what life has in store for them, going on a journey to find their passions and destiny,” Simon said, dramatically. _

 

_ “Sounds like a dream,” Jack replied, fantasizing.  _

 

_ “Dreams come alive with true love,” Simon said, matter of factly. _

 

_ “Sap. You big sap. Your cheesiness can almost fool me into thinking life can be a Disney movie,” Jack said. _

 

_ “We can make life whatever we want it to be. You did. Took the darkness in your world and said fuck that, I can beat this,” Simon replied. _

 

_ “I had a lot of help getting where I am today,” Jack said, sheepishly. _

 

_ “Woulda’ never worked if you weren’t willing to fight. I think, together, we can fight anything that comes our way. Our future will be bright,” Simon said, eyes glimmering with belief and hope. _

 

_ “No matter what happens...we will survive. More than that, we’ll live. Experience things. Find what we want to be and be it. Take life by storm, because it’s not ready for us,” Jack affirmed. _

 

_ “The world isn’t ready for Sack,” Simon teased. _

 

_ Jack snorted, before glaring playfully. “You just ruined it. I regret ever telling you the name Dean gave us.” _

 

_ “I’m proud to be Sack. Will you share that pride with me?” Simon asked, biting back a laugh. _

 

_ “... Always and forever.” _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

It, unsurprisingly, took some courage to bring the idea to his family, but they were supportive. In In their word, it was unfair that most people brought up in a supernatural world never got to go, and they wanted it for him. 

 

It was an exciting opportunity, to learn about the world. He never even got to go to high school, being born with some basic knowledge he’d need to survive. Jack would have so much more knowledge and life experience to base things on.

 

He could make decisions about his life in the future. Like...long time future. Without being so scared about it.

 

The most daunting aspect was leaving his family. Sure, he could visit anytime he wanted, but it wouldn’t be the same. Jack knew he couldn’t depend on them forever, though. A part of growing up is leaving the nest and forging new beginnings.

 

And, considering how well he was doing...It’d be the perfect time.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “Jack?” Sam said, when the two were alone. _

 

_ “Yeah?” Jack replied. _

 

_ “I’m really glad you’re making plans for your future. Caring about it. Knowing that you’re worth it, and that you have a long life ahead of you,” Sam said, emotionally. _

 

_ “It’s not that big of a deal…” Jack said, sheepishly. _

 

_ “It is. For awhile, I was so, so scared. You were so sick, Jack. But you worked hard and you’ve made it to a really good place. All by taking initiative and doing it for yourself,” Sam said. _

 

_ “I couldn’t have done it without you,” Jack said. _

 

_ “But you couldn’t have done it without you. All we did was make sure you ate. You did everything else, the most important parts. And now you’re so much better. You’re healthy. I’ve never been prouder of you,” Sam said, adamantly. _

 

_ Jack felt tears brim in his eyes, and struggled to keep them at bay. He would’ve never experienced this unforgettable feeling if he hadn’t recovered. Jack is happy to be healthy. _

 

_...Jack is happy. _

 

_ “Thank you Sam. For saying that...and for everything you’ve done for me, what you all have done for me. I’m so grateful,” Jack whispered. _

 

_ Sam got up from his seat, wrapping him in a hug. _

 

_ This is what it feels like to live. Not to survive, not to exist. _

 

_ To live. _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

Looking at colleges with Simon was amazing. Imagining a future, something he used to think he didn’t have, was euphoric.

 

It’s something so ordinary, what most teenagers do when the time comes. But for Jack, he took everything with gratitude. When your life has had so much pain, you appreciate every laugh, every smile.

 

Jack’s life was filled with more laughs and smiles than ever. Recovery is the best damn thing that ever happened to him, and he will shout and scream at any negative thoughts that threaten to jeopardize that. 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ “That one’s only twenty-five minutes away, thirty-five for you,” Simon commented. _

 

_ “Holy heck, good reviews…” Jack mumbled. _

 

_ “That’s getting bookmarked, right?” Simon asked. _

 

_ “Definitely.” _

 

_ As they continued their research on that particular one, they found a lot of interesting clubs and programs. Zillions of classes, zillions of opportunities. _

 

_ The best part was all the videos they made, showing all around campus and describing what they offer. It was professional and modern, but it also looked really. Freaking. Fun. _

 

_ “They allow pets. We can get a cat,” Simon said, mouth hanging open. _

 

_ “Do you think you’re ready for a cat? I got you a tiny little pot of grass. Just grass. And it died a week later. I heard from your mom that your other plants haven’t had much luck,” Jack said, snickering. _

 

_ “Hey, don’t talk about me with my mom. She speaks lies. Cats can meow so I’ll know when to water it,” Simon replied, huffing. _

 

_ “You...don’t water..cats…” Jack said. _

 

_ “I can learn how to take care of one!” Simon whined. _

 

_ “You’re good at learning. Not sure how you’d deal with a litter box. You start gagging if you see bird poop on a car,” Jack replied. _

 

_ “I would make the sacrifice for my little fluffy puffy,” Simon retorted. _

 

_ “You’re very sacrificing. And noble. A cat would love you. But what’s the tuition like?” Jack inquired. _

 

_ Simon looked it up on their website, pumping his fist in the air. “Super fuckin low with great options for scholarships and financial aid, watchu know about it! Yeet!” _

 

_ Jack laughed. “Looks like we’ve found a favorite.” _

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

It did, definitely, become their favorite. They would spend all day everyday researching everything they could find on it, talking about stuff they’d be able to do if they got in. All the adventures that would become available to them.

 

When application time rolled around, they did it together. Watching every tutorial they could find on how to make their essays perfect, comparing notes and giving each other inspiration. Holding hands tightly, submitting them with nerves running wild.

 

It was the most terrifying and amazing experience, and it made Jack so damn sentimental. Every thought and feeling was saturated and raw, happy tears were a daily occurrence.

 

It all came to a head on one of the most important days in Jack’s life: the day he received the letter, determining if he’d be accepted or denied.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

_ Jack had literally sat outside, to his family’s dismay, for hours, waiting and willing for the mail to arrive. _

 

_He felt terrible when he terrified the mailman, running up to him like a crazy person, but it was too damn hard to contain his excitement._ _All his dreams, his hopes, about the future he’s been imagining could be crushed or made the second he opened that letter._

 

_ Before anything, he called Simon, who’d received his letter just a couple minutes before him. They were both sputtering and screaming, but they had to hang up so he could drive and they could open them together _

 

_ As soon as Simon came in sight, Jack ran up and gave him a bone-crushing hug. _

 

_ “Whatever these letters say...It doesn’t have to affect us. If I don’t get in, If you don’t get in, if neither of us get in, that’s okay,” Simon said, breathlessly. _

 

_ Jack nodded furiously, excitedly holding the envelope with shaky hands. _

 

_ “Let’s do it,” Jack said, heart pounding. _

 

_ In sync, they ripped them open, holding the folded paper. _

 

_ “On three,” Simon said. _

 

_ “On three…” Jack echoed. _

 

_ “One….two...three…” _

 

_ They stood next to each other, and pulled the papers open. _

 

_ Jack looked at Simon’s first, heart beaming with pride when he saw the words printed on it. _

 

_ Turning to his own, he let out a gasping breath and felt tears rush down his eyes. _

 

_ Accepted. _

 

_ They screamed louder than seemed possible, holding the other as if their life depended on it. No one would be able to decipher their shouted gibberish, it was their own, special, language of ecstasy. _

 

_ Simon jumped in Jack’s arms, and Jack easily held him up.  _

 

_ “We did it!” They shouted, in unison. _

 

_ After scaring away all the birds, and most likely all other lifeforms, Jack had a realization. _

 

_ “I need to tell them! Oh my god!” Jack shouted, laughing through the tears. _

 

_ “Can I come?!” Simon asked, still yelling. _

 

_ Jack sniffed, catching his breath. “Even if ‘Leather Jacket Dad’ is there?” He asked, giggling. _

 

_ Simon laughed, wiping away Jack’s tears. “I think we can come to a truce on this day.” _

 

_ “I’m so proud of you,” Jack whispered. _

 

_ “I’m so proud of you!” Simon exclaimed. _

 

_ “It was your dream first. You brought this dream to me. You brought so much joy into my life. I love you,” Jack said. _

 

_ “Stop, I’m gonna cry again. I love you too. Now let’s blow their minds,” Simon replied, taking Jack’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers, intertwining their lives. _

 

_ As you would expect, it was chaos. Pure. Chaos. Three grown men well over six feet tall praising and lifting Jack off the ground, shouting profanities and congratulations. _

 

_ When they noticed Simon awkwardly standing a few feet away, Dean looked at him like he was crazy. “What the hell are you doing, Mutant Dandelion Boy? Get in on this!” He exclaimed charging toward him. _

 

_ Simon looked mildly terrified as Dean’s steps got closer, and he was looking for points of escape, until Dean easily lifted him off his feet and into the air. _

 

_ “Wooo! Congrats, dude! Hard as hell to get into college these days, and it’s literally necessary for survival! Hell yeah!” Dean bellowed, shaking him in the air. _

 

_ “T-t-thanks!” Simon said, looking slightly nauseous from the sudden jerking around. _

 

_ “Dean, what are you doing?” Jack asked, disturbed. _

 

_ Dean’s face turned serious, and he put down a grateful Simon. “He’s going to be alone with you, half an hour away, with no adult supervision…..” He turned slowly to Simon. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer,” He ended, smirking. _

 

_ Simon chuckled nervously, fast-walking over back to Jack. _

 

_ “Dean, you’re scaring him,” Sam said, face palming. _

 

_ “We’re very proud of both of you,” Castiel said. _

 

_ Unbeknownst to the others, Dean found time to pull Simon aside, away from all the noise. _

 

_ “I wanna talk to you,” Dean said. _

 

_ Simon looked up at him, sheepishly. _

 

_ “Listen...when you two are gone... I joke, but the idea of him relapsing when I’m not here to protect him? It scares the hell out of me. You’ll be there, though. Just...keep an eye on him. Please,” Dean pleaded. _

 

_ Simon’s face turned serious. “I would do anything for him. And I’m going to do that, but...Jack is a lot stronger than people take him for. No matter what happens, he’ll make it through. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Jack is okay...and he’s gonna be okay.” _

 

_ Simon held out his hand, and Dean shook it. _

 

_ ____________________________________________________________________________ _

 

It was chaos, but it was the most amazing thing that could’ve happened, after all his heartache. But, that same day, after everything had died down, Jack had some unfinished business.

__________________________________________________________________________

_ Jack got undressed as normal, once again catching his own eye in the mirror. _

 

_ He stepped closer, inching over to it, before pressing his hand delicately on the glass, then on his own chest. _

 

_ Every detail of his body present and analyzed,  _

 

_ he smiled. _

 

_ “I like the way I look,” Jack whispered. _

 

_ Toned and muscular, but not grossly muscular, he was attractive. He wasn’t perfect, and Jack’s learned that perfection is unattainable. His body, not thin, was but a physical representation of all his hard work to get here. _

 

_ Every pound gained, be it muscle or fat, was a pound of dedication to his family, and to himself. _

 

_ “I like the way I look, because I look happy. Because I’m healthy, and everything’s finally working out for me. No longer will I obsess over faultlessness, purity, and ideals. I like the way I look, because I’ve stopped caring about liking it,” Jack spoke,  _

 

_ letting the honest truth be named aloud, unashamed, and without guilt. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO EMOTIONAL ITS OVER. Two months of my work, edited and published in a day, out there in the world! It hurts to see it go, but I'm so proud to have put my mind to something and done it.
> 
> I hope that I made people happy and emotional with this fic, made them invested. I hope I spread the word of how dangerous and insidious this disorder is, and gave hope to people suffering with this.
> 
> I'm considering making an epilogue, but this is the official end. GAH!!! I'm so happy! I even did a happy dance in real life, like a billion times. Thank you to everyone who commented/left kudos!
> 
> I'd like to give a special thanks to user @MagaJV, who commented on every chapter and even shouted me out on tumblr. You were very kind to me and I'm so grateful! Most people lurk on fanfics, but this girl was straight up invested!! Your support was much appreciated, and I hope the ending was to your taste.


	13. New Mini-sequel/expanding on this fic.

Just popping in to say I just published a small oneshot expanding on this fic, centering around Simon and Jack in college. So, this has turned into a series! I'm already working another one. This AU means a lot to me and I'm keeping it going.

Check it out if you're interested!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello hello! I've been working on this fic since December, eager to post it, but wanted to get all the chapters at least drafted beforehand. It's deeply personal to me, and one of the largest pieces I've ever written, so please stay tuned. 
> 
> These characters and their relationships with one another touched me in a way I never knew possible. Working on this for over two months everyday has given me the greatest gift I've ever known.
> 
> It all started on a dreadful day, where I just needed to vent and make one of my muses suffer. I wrote and wrote, without even realizing how long it would end up being, how much research and work i'd put into it, or how much I'd cry when I finished writing the last chapter. 
> 
> This is a rambled note, but I just need to say that even if no one reads this, writing this fic was amazing. And there's a whole hell of a lot yet to come...so...wink wonk.


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